Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Travis Is Working On His E.P.R.D.
(Earliest Possible Release Date)

The Haiku Poet of Cell Block H

I was going to work on a blog piece tonight involving moral and ethical issues a writer faces when they take their material from other sources. Unfortunately, that has to go on the back burner, because I heard back from my friend Travis tonight. Throwing Hammers

Earlier in the day, I had received an e-mail on some other issues pertinent to his imminent release from the hoosegow. I'm starting to worry about Travis when his e-mails are full of things like "I jammed the roscoe in his button and said, "Close your yap, bo, or I squirt metal." Time to apply myself more toward his E.P.R.D.--Earliest Possible Release Date, before there's a booty call for boof.

In the first e-mail of the day, Travis had asked me to send him a care package. I just heard back from him, wondering if he's going to be getting those things. Since they've banned smoking in the jail (like everywhere else), there are new forms of currency, and in his jail, it's Pepperidge Farm. I think I've got you covered, Travis:

"For you cell's mini bar"

"Two Milanos for phone time"

"Here's your "G's"

"...but you asked me for pole dancers."

"O.K., right, you said "Hoochie Girls"

Travis? Consider it done.

* Pirate photograph pirated (I couldn't resist) from http://throwinghammers.blogspot.com/


Blogger The Captain said...

I want to put together a strike force to free Travis, bust him out of jail wild-west style. However, no one has rallied to the call yet.

4:58 AM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

I don't want to think that Travis is having a "Shawshank Redemption" experience while up the river. "...Neither are the Sisters. You'd have to be human first."

6:47 AM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

We live in a city of lawyers. Why not assemble a team of the finest and take Travis's case to the top. I see bumper stickers, little lapel buttons: FREE TRAVIS ... or else he'll squirt metal? EWW.

Why isn't this on Wonkette? Thank goodness you've taken up the cause, Cube.

FREE TRAVIS ... or else!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

We would gladly help, Captain, except I am leaving to go on vacation, Bon is in Arizona, and the other Playaz are working on local business. It is our crazy time of the year.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Well you could imagine my surprise when this care package - the best care package EVER in the history of care packages - arrived at my cell. Scantily clad hoochie girls with beer in one hand and Pepperidge Farm snacks and cookies in the other. Oh man...

Keep this up and I'll never - and I mean NEVER - want to leave!

Now I know how Sir Galahad felt in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." I swear, anybody tries to bust me out now, and I will totally kick their butt!

10:46 AM  
Blogger cuff said...

You mean these prisoners have internet access? What the hell ever happened to bread and water? And I'm fairly certain that prison garb isn't standard issue.

10:27 AM  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

I dunno man, I like milano cookies as much as the next guy, but if given a choice between friends bringing me hoochie mamas or cookies in prison, I'm going with the hoochies...you can trade them for cigarettes.

10:29 AM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Mmm... Gs make any prison stay that much more delicious...

2:31 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

i think it's pretty ricockulous that the inmates have internet access. if you tell me they have TiVo too i might write a letter to the state senate.

but seriously, i think Travis should belt out a rendition of "Cellblock Tango" with his hoochies.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I go to prison, can I get hoochie girls feeding me snacks, too? :-)

3:51 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Captain: He doesn't want out. This is his chosen R&R.

Thai: He's happy as a clam in the slammer.

Reya: Travis is busy writing prison haiku, which you should approve of during your poetry project.

Phil: You have lousy timing. ;)

Travis: Happy to oblige.

Mass: This is the "new prison" of the future. The prisoners get to wear costumes.

Home: Every man would go for the hoochie girls.

Mystery: Travis emailed me with a very specific list of his "wants." I threw in the Natty Bo to be a brat , and I heard back from him on the rotgut I had chosen.

VP: The prisoners do have TiVo AND mini bars in their cells.

Chase: You get oiled cabana boys bringing you frou frou drinks with little paper umbrellas.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

Re: Rhinestone Cowgirl's Questions

Everyone knows that giant supercomputers can't have sex.

What do you take us for?

9:37 PM  
Blogger JordanBaker said...

Is the Natty Bo man related to the Pringles guy?

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Arrrgh. Methinks that Travis shouldn't break out. His prison time gives him important street cred among the haiku set (a tough bunch, to be sure).


1:08 PM  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

Just passing through, cool blog by the way..

6:55 AM  
Blogger jean-pierre said...

So, what did I miss? How did Travis get in jail? Send us a link for the lazy but interested, please.

If he's in for the long haul, I might be interested in sending him some reading material, other than the Bible which is very likely in circulation there. Post us an address, or send it to me by email.

12:48 AM  

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