Friday, October 13, 2006

Guest Blogger: AZ From Baltimore

Tunnel Rant

Cube is kind enough to allow me to ghost write for her from time to time. I don’t take advantage of that offer as often as I should. It seems that when I do it’s only to rant, today’s offering is no exception, but I wouldn’t have to go on these tirades if you people would stop being so damn stupid. Here’s the scenario:

It’s late at night. You’re driving toward a tunnel. Pick one. I don’t care. For our example, let’s say it’s the Fort McHenry Tunnel in Baltimore on I-95 North. As you approach the tunnel you see a giant orange sign. It informs you that there is roadwork ahead. You take note of it, but don’t act on the information because it’s not specific enough for you to make a move yet.
About 20 seconds pass and another sign advances toward you. It too is hunter safety vest orange. This one explains in greater detail that not only is there roadwork in your future, but if you’re driving in either of the two leftmost lanes of the highway you’re going to have problems as they’re about to be closed. You’ve seen these signs. I know you have. “2 Left Lanes Closed Ahead” It's pretty simple. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the intent here. The left side of I-95 is about to shut down. Move your ass to the right side of the highway.

Now, if you’re anything like me (and you’re not because we’re talking about you,) you would take the hint and get out of the fast lane early while the getting was good. But again, this is you we’re taking about and you’re obviously not quite ready to move yet, so you continue to drive in the fast lane even though it soon will not be a lane at all. Another sign approaches… This sign repeats the earlier warning that the bit of road you’re driving on will no longer exist in a very short while. “2 left lanes closed ahead”. This sign is apparently for you ignorant bastards who thought that the first sign, which said exactly the same thing, didn’t apply to you. It did. That’s the whole point. It applied to everyone in your lane and the lane just to the right of yours, but you’re far too important and busy to put your blinker on and move your car. There’s probably a good song on the radio isn’t there? I bet that’s what distracting you.

For you illiterate assholes who were too busy in elementary school to learn to read, (who is reading this blog to you by the way?) the State of Maryland and the transportation authority have gotten together to insure that you too have a chance to change lanes before it’s too late. To that end they have installed a giant screaming yellow sign made up of blinking lights that form an arrow. This giant arrow helpfully points to the right. You can’t miss it. It just keeps blinking. Go Right. Go Right. Go Right. But do you get out of the fast lane? Do you do as the sign asks and head to the alternate lanes? Nope. You’ve obviously got plenty of time yet. You aren’t nearly ready to move.

Finally, in an act of total desperation to get your sorry ass out of the lane before you run over the poor schmuck whose job it is to repair the road (because you were too stupid, busy and illiterate to act upon the information fed to you by not one but FOUR signs now) the powers that be take steps to close the lanes. Crawling out from behind the giant flashing yellow arrow are small pyramidal shaped plastic structures. I like to call them traffic cones. These traffic cones are standing strategically one after another each one taking up a bit more of the lane you’re driving in until finally THEY’RE UNDER YOUR CAR!!!

Why?! Why?! Why is it that it takes nearly tearing the muffler off your car to get you to do what you’re supposed to? You know, I’ve got a bit of rebel in me myself but even I know that it’s cheaper to follow the rules and change lanes than to tear up the undercarriage of my vehicle on freakin’ traffic cones. If it were rush hour, I could maybe understand. Other people are being jerks and not letting you over. That’s completely understandable and they should of course be dragged out of their cars and shot. No problem. But it’s 11 o’clock at night!! There’s almost no one on the road!! I myself have left you PLENTY OF ROOM. GET THE HELL OVER!!

If this were a one-time issue, I wouldn’t complain. I’d just laugh at your sorry ass and go on my merry way. In fact, the first time I witnessed you doing this I did in fact laugh at you. Ha-ha. You’re an idiot. Hope you screwed up your car you dumb fuck. But I drive home late at night through that tunnel at least 3 nights a week. They close two lanes of the tunnel every two weeks or so for cleaning and repairs. It varies. Some nights it’s the left lanes, some nights the right, but it never fails. You just won’t get over until the last goddamn second.

I’d like to take a moment to thank the wine colored mini-van that caused me to use the fuck word about 20 times and inspired this rant today. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate stupid assholes like you. Well, that’s my rant for today. I hope you enjoyed it unless you really are one of these dumb assholes. If you are, learn from this. And for Christ sake USE YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER!!! Thanks. Az says, "“Buddha would never have reached enlightment if he’d had to drive a car to get there.”

Fudo Myoo--The Angry Buddha

Cube here. "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." ~~ Buddha.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If La Streisand can let go with the F-bomb, Az can blast away.


1:17 PM  
Anonymous drew said...

Grince, are you kidding? It's so "accepted" now, even the Vice President can yell it in front of rolling cameras -- YEARS before he shoots you in the face, even!

I propose a new gun law in the Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD area (we have to test the theory before making it Federal law). I propose that all drivers carry TWO guns in their cars. (Hear me out) The first gun is a paintball gun. If someone pulls that "Please let me in because I missed the last 20 signs, cones and waving neon statues pointing me to merge right", you shoot them. Only shoot them once, but shoot repeatedly until you mark them. If someone with paint cuts you off -- it's more of a judgement call. "Are they really shamefully stupid, or is this just an arrogant prick who is in more of a hurry than he assumes the rest of us are?" More markings, or... just Darwinism.

At the very least, the paint ball and car wash industry will help boost the economy! Would calling the additional sales tax on those two industries a (insert spurious f-bombs here) "jackass tax" offend anyone? I sure hope so!

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Wrethcat said...

I wholeheartedly and unequivocally agree with the rantings of my sailor friend :-) Get 'em Hon!

I HATE people who don't know what blinkers were created for on cars, and I ESPECIALLY HATE people that wait until lanes disappear to get over.

Let's face it...Neon signs have failed, orange signs have failed, and runway type lights would fail just as surely were they lining the highway. The only way to win is to post. "Free money to the dickheads that actually get over a mile or more before this lane ends."

>^, ,^<----black cat walking in front of your tunnel here.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

I got rid of my car two years ago and I am so much nicer than I used to be. When I want to go to Baltimore, I take the train.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

With a van like that, I don't think that it was a song distracting them.

10:16 AM  
Blogger stam cafe said...

Wonderful ...fresh from the market, at least it is not a politically correct blabla, the little buddha at the end was the cherry on the cake. Even I at 7000 kms (or so) I feel released with that big yelling ! Play it again Sam.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I recommend to you a recent post (October 15, 2006) by Miniver Cheevy entitled Design.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Do not hate me, but I stay in the 'forbidden' lane until I absolutely must get over, in order to by-pass everyone who will be sitting in the "open" lane for the next 30 minutes waiting to get through.

I am cognizant of everyone's safety and merge when it is safe and appropriate.

2:41 PM  
Anonymous i, squub said...

In clear traffic like you're describing, staying in the lane that's going to end until the last possible second is idiotic.

In heavy traffic, I think it makes more sense for everyone to merge at the merge point. At the merge point, all the cars form a big zipper thing, with every car from the staying-open-lane letting in one, and only one, car from the closing-lane. If EVERYONE would do that, we wouldn't have what really pisses me off, which is people in the staying-open-lane seeing the lane closing sign in another lane, and using that oppurtunity to change into the closing lane so they can zoom all the way to the merge point and basically cut off 50 people.

Unfortunately everyone interprets the signs differently, so you always end up with everyone getting pissed off.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

"Oh where oh where has my Cubie gone? Oh where oh where could she beeeeee?"

10:57 AM  

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