Guest Blogger: AZ From BaltimoreTunnel Rant

Cube is kind enough to allow me to ghost write for her from time to time. I don’t take advantage of that offer as often as I should. It seems that when I do it’s only to rant, today’s offering is no exception, but I wouldn’t have to go on these tirades if you people would stop being so damn stupid. Here’s the scenario:

It’s late at night. You’re driving toward a tunnel. Pick one. I don’t care. For our example, let’s say it’s the Fort McHenry Tunnel in Baltimore on I-95 North. As you approach the tunnel you see a giant orange sign. It informs you that there is roadwork ahead. You take note of it, but don’t act on the information because it’s not specific enough for you to make a move yet.
About 20 seconds pass and another sign advances toward you. It too is hunter safety vest orange. This one explains in greater detail that not only is there roadwork in your future, but if you’re driving in either of the two leftmost lanes of the highway you’re going to have problems as they’re about to be closed. You’ve seen these signs. I know you have. “2 Left Lanes Closed Ahead” It's pretty simple. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the intent here. The left side of I-95 is about to shut down. Move your ass to the right side of the highway.

Now, if you’re anything like me (and you’re not because we’re talking about you,) you would take the hint and get out of the fast lane early while the getting was good. But again, this is you we’re taking about and you’re obviously not quite ready to move yet, so you continue to drive in the fast lane even though it soon will not be a lane at all. Another sign approaches… This sign repeats the earlier warning that the bit of road you’re driving on will no longer exist in a very short while. “2 left lanes closed ahead”. This sign is apparently for you ignorant bastards who thought that the first sign, which said exactly the same thing, didn’t apply to you. It did. That’s the whole point. It applied to everyone in your lane and the lane just to the right of yours, but you’re far too important and busy to put your blinker on and move your car. There’s probably a good song on the radio isn’t there? I bet that’s what distracting you.

For you illiterate assholes who were too busy in elementary school to learn to read, (who is reading this blog to you by the way?) the State of Maryland and the transportation authority have gotten together to insure that you too have a chance to change lanes before it’s too late. To that end they have installed a giant screaming yellow sign made up of blinking lights that form an arrow. This giant arrow helpfully points to the right. You can’t miss it. It just keeps blinking. Go Right. Go Right. Go Right. But do you get out of the fast lane? Do you do as the sign asks and head to the alternate lanes? Nope. You’ve obviously got plenty of time yet. You aren’t nearly ready to move.

Finally, in an act of total desperation to get your sorry ass out of the lane before you run over the poor schmuck whose job it is to repair the road (because you were too stupid, busy and illiterate to act upon the information fed to you by not one but FOUR signs now) the powers that be take steps to close the lanes. Crawling out from behind the giant flashing yellow arrow are small pyramidal shaped plastic structures. I like to call them traffic cones. These traffic cones are standing strategically one after another each one taking up a bit more of the lane you’re driving in until finally THEY’RE UNDER YOUR CAR!!!

Why?! Why?! Why is it that it takes nearly tearing the muffler off your car to get you to do what you’re supposed to? You know, I’ve got a bit of rebel in me myself but even I know that it’s cheaper to follow the rules and change lanes than to tear up the undercarriage of my vehicle on freakin’ traffic cones. If it were rush hour, I could maybe understand. Other people are being jerks and not letting you over. That’s completely understandable and they should of course be dragged out of their cars and shot. No problem. But it’s 11 o’clock at night!! There’s almost no one on the road!! I myself have left you PLENTY OF ROOM. GET THE HELL OVER!!

If this were a one-time issue, I wouldn’t complain. I’d just laugh at your sorry ass and go on my merry way. In fact, the first time I witnessed you doing this I did in fact laugh at you. Ha-ha. You’re an idiot. Hope you screwed up your car you dumb fuck. But I drive home late at night through that tunnel at least 3 nights a week. They close two lanes of the tunnel every two weeks or so for cleaning and repairs. It varies. Some nights it’s the left lanes, some nights the right, but it never fails. You just won’t get over until the last goddamn second.

I’d like to take a moment to thank the wine colored mini-van that caused me to use the fuck word about 20 times and inspired this rant today. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate stupid assholes like you. Well, that’s my rant for today. I hope you enjoyed it unless you really are one of these dumb assholes. If you are, learn from this. And for Christ sake USE YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER!!! Thanks. Az says, "“Buddha would never have reached enlightment if he’d had to drive a car to get there.”

Fudo Myoo--The Angry Buddha

Cube here. "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." ~~ Buddha.