Thursday, August 25, 2005

Bushy Tale
Featuring Guest Squirrel Blogger: "Skeet"

I was leaving my house this morning when I saw one of my yard squirrels at the base of the oak tree, text messaging away in his tiny Blackberry. "What's up, Skeet," I asked. He shook his head at me, mumbling and kept hitting the delete key rapidly with his tiny paw. "Have you ever gotten drunk, then dialed or text messaged someone," he asked me. "I try not to do things like that...doesn't seem like a smart move," I said. "Tell me about it," groaned Skeet as he kept pounding away at his keys.

I sat down on a stone next to him and asked him if he was going to be all right. I had to get to work. "Have you got a minute?" I looked at my watch and told him he'd have to be quick. "It all started yesterday. From my elevated vantage point in that tree in the back, I spied "her", sunning herself by the neighbor's pool. Her fur was so sleek and beautiful, she was so self-possessed: she was like a vision to me. I was transfixed. I know she was aware of me, though she pretended not to notice. I caught her tail flic know how we squirrels do when we're on alert. In the hopes of securing her attention, I made a daring dive to the tree in her yard. Feigning nonchalance, I sailed through the late August air. My form was superb, by the way. While attempting to catch the next branch I fumbled a bit, the branch bent down under my weight, necessitating some awkward scrambling on my part, but I recovered nicely. I have to say, it was an impressive distance. I was magnificent. She, however, turned away in haughty disinterest, making a show of being engrossed in some newly fallen green acorns. Why do you chicks always have to play games?" He shot me another look and kept hitting the keys.

"So, what's the problem here?" I looked at my watch again. "The problem," he sighed, "is...the neighbors had a cook-out last night, and they left beer cans out on the picnic table overnight. I was feeling kind of down after that rejection, got into the beer and pretzel crumbs, turned on my Blackberry and kept texting my passion for her." "Uh oh," I uttered. "I looked at my Blackberry this morning and couldn't believe the things I had been saying to her, " he moaned. "Alcohol can make you do stupid things, Skeet. You know that." "I don't know what's worse," he said, "Looking at my text log, or my head." I went back in the house and got him some baby aspirin and a demitasse of dark roast and left for work. I bet he'll be sleeping it off today.


Blogger Phil said...

I have a talking opossum that lives in my back yard. He drinks bourbon all day and plays the jazz flute.

Or is it me that drinks bourbon all day...?

10:29 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

For an animal with a brain the size of a peanut, that is one eloquent squirrel.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy, that bachelor squirrel has some issues with females! I can only imagine what his bachelor-blog must be like. Squirrel-boy, put down that can of woman-haterade and analyze yourself!

"She just loves little boys"


12:25 PM  
Blogger playfulinnc said...

In another apartment of mine, this one squirrel, Enrique, would run around the yard with a cig butt hanging out of his mouth.

Then, he grew a large tumor on his side, but still insisted on smoking!

Silly squirrel.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

playful, that could have been caused by his tiny cellphone for all we know.

If you see him dragging around a mini-oxygen tank, you'll know for sure.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil: Rumor had it that Herbie Mann was just a large squirrel with a moustache.

AUA: Skeet is a home schooled success story. I put in long hours with him, but he still watches too much t.v.

Grince: He may be a squirrel, but he's still a guy.

Playful: Sorry to hear about Enrique. Maybe he should go on the patch. I've heard that D.C. is thinking of enacting on a law that prohibits smoking in trees.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

A partially shaved squirrel at that.

Herbie may very well become a new Playa HOF inductee before it's all said and done.

4:26 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

I can see Herbie as a Playaz, Phil

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does Skeet also engage in long, dull conversations with his 'buds' involving phrases like "Whoa, I was sooo wasted last night"?


1:13 PM  

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