Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Mayor In Da Big House
Marion Barry: Life In Prison
A Speculation

May'ah In Da Big House

With former Mayor of Washington, D.C. Marion Barry awaiting a sentencing toward charges of tax evasion, and with the issues of his potential ongoing drug use hanging out there, I thought it might be a good time to speculate on what his life might be like in prison.

Marion Barry's newest quotable could be, "IRS set me UP!!!"

Barry's new prison title could be Mayor for Life Sentence.

His job in the prison could be bookkeeper to the Warden, a la Shawshank Redemption, where he tells the Warden, "If you take out the shankings, prison actually has a very, very low crime rate."


"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate." ~~Marion Barry, Ex-Mayor of Washington, D.C.

Supporters of his cause would have a protest song for their rallies: Gimme Tax Shelter.

When Barry is told he'll be busting rock, he gets excited, thinking they mean crack rock.

Instead of chain gang work repairing roads (and potholes), Marion will be working on the new baseball stadium, laying sod. This will give him a chance at redemption to build the city he never built as Mayor.

"I have to admit I didn't do as much as I should have back when I was Mayor, but now we're getting it done...It's not where you've been, but where you're going." ~~ Marion Barry

Marion Barry is 69 years old. Coincidentally, this happens to be his new cellmate's favorite number.

According to the Prison Bitch Name Generator, Ex-Mayor Barry's prison bitch name will be "Tush Taster."


"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." ~~ Marion Barry

...and next, he can be a jail bird.

When Barry was busted on another drug conviction he was quoted as saying "Write what you're going to write. That's all I've got to say. Nothing more, nothing less." He becomes tired of reading others words and takes up writing himself. His first piece is a poem:

I always pay my tax on time,
I did not snort that coke in lines,
I did not commit tax evasion,
I'm never under drug persuasion.


"I am a great Mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man." ~~ Marion Barry

His prison number: 69513869. It's meaning?

69: His age
5: The 5 Points Gang which evolved into a drug gang.
13: Unlucky or lucky--you decide.
8: Behind the eight ball.
69: Well....prison, right?

"You think I should seek a Mayoral pardon?"


Blogger Jinxy said...

You've done a fine tribute to the man.

When he dies the Post will come looking to you for the obit.

2:19 AM  
Blogger Megarita said...

Damn, this man makes my hair curl. Most famous DC resident ever. Asshat.

Turns out my prison bitch name is "The Receptacle," only they spelled it wrong. Not sure what to do with that.

7:37 AM  
Blogger KOB said...

brilliant; the image work is incredible and the words as well.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Sharkbait said...

Totally made my morning. The scary part is that I could see it working. Hmmm the possibilities....

9:30 AM  
Anonymous drew said...

Once again, you've knocked one out of the park, Cube! Maybe he should start looking to Robert Shapiro to assemble another "dream team", but... wait! With no Johnny Cochran, apparently you can't use "the force" as a legal strategy anymore.

Well, if his incarceration actually does take place, it will only make his public relations stronger. Look at Bill Gates, Martha Stweart... and Tom DeLay!

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's not forget his new "companion": Chenille Spencer, 34. We'll know when he starts cheating on her; she'll get the Effi Barry-big head-on-a-toothpick-skinny-body look.


9:42 AM  
Anonymous Wrethcat said...

Is it just me, or has it gone unoticed that even though he has these positive drug tests and is being pursued for crimes by the Federal goverment, the DC Council still thinks he has lucid opinions or the capacity to make them?

This man is still being allowed to legislate and there is clear evidence against him.
Even though he has been found guilty as sin, they haven't kicked him out of public office and people are still willing to defend him.

Hey I say if DC residents continue to vote for Marion Barry after all the repeated embarassment he has brought (in spite of any past good deeds) maybe they do have something to offer Congress as a state.

After all, what is Congress without a good scandal? Marion brings his game to the nationwide arena anyway. He might be just the senator they are looking for.

Think he has ties to Crack Abramoff?

>^, ,^<

10:57 AM  
Blogger Momentary Academic said...

I'm so glad that I'm from Baltimore! Woohoo! Why is Barry trying to live the life of a rockstar? He's in the wrong business.

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so confused with people thinking you're God's gift to the world or something. You're not sweetie, sorry to say.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Not only is he 'stellar' in writing, but also in person. He sat behind me at a memorial service a few months ago and spent the entire time chewing *loudly* on tic tacs and talking on his blackberry.

A fine representative for DC.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Mister Jinxy: I highly doubt it. Hope you are enjoying your travel to Tangier.

Megarita: His story makes me sad, actually, despite my joking. He had great ambition and ideals in his youth.

KOB: The bulk of the thanks go to my brother for his continued inspirational Photoshop work. He removed the original fedora, changed the clock from saying "Bud Lite," turned striped wallpaper into bars...and more.

Shark: Barry is a man who has jumped through many fires. Anything is possible.

Drew: Tom DeLay. Shaking head.

Grince: I'll give it to Effi. She left him and built herself a new life.

Wrethy: Barry has amazing public relations skills. Mayor for Life, remember?

Momentary: Baltimore has it's own issues. ;) A friend told me HBO is busy filming the next season of The Wire right now in Charm City. Keep your eyes peeled for the film crews.

Anonymous: Thank you for reading my blog.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Heather: Hubris and the fallen.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Smash said...

I think he's probably seeing his jail time in a Martha-Stewart-light: Use the time to regroup and come back stronger and more evil than ever before.

12:48 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Betty Crocker makes it
Mayor Barry takes it
Why can't we
Why can't we

ahhh childhood...

12:52 PM  
Blogger Larissa said...

brilliant! loved the Shawshank reference.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Smash: The man is a Phoenix. Nothing would surprise me.

I-66: Wicked child. "I-66: Voted Best Hugger by the Washington, D.C. Blogging Community."

Larissa: Thank you. I've been taking the time to read and get to know your blog. Glad you stopped by.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Sinsational said...

According to my co-workers and long time DC residents he will never spend any time in jail for a few reasons.
1.Try finding a jury in DC that will convict him.
2.He appointed pretty much all of the judges, even though now it looks like it was as a safety hatch.
3.He could kill Bobby Brown and the DC people would elect him President if possible.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...


You've raised valid points. I didn't want people to think I was making a full assault on the man. I'm not. I was born and raised in D.C. I've seen politicians come and go.

I have to admit that I have never been a fan of Barry, BUT...he was certainly the voice to a certain portion of the city's population that had great faith in him, and sometimes he was their only voice. We could write volumes on the corruptions that power brings, and the temptations, but I'll leave that for others.

I will say this: If you study Barry's personal history, there was a time in this man's life when he was full of ideals and the hope for change. He was an activist. He was ambitious and came far from his beginnings. It's too easy to make a blanket judgment on him.

It's funny. I broke two rules I set for myself when I started blogging: No writing about dating and no writing about politics. Someone in one week, I've blown that to hell, but I would doubt I dip into either pool again. Others do it much better than I can, and I'd rather explore other interests in my expression. Thanks for the drop by.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

...and that should be "somehow," not someone, but I just came home from work and ordering funeral flowers, so my mind's a tad shot. I think I'll blog about the flowers later tonight, if I'm up to it.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

I am so sorry you had to buy funeral flowers, and I'm so glad it was you doing this task. From your wreaths, and because you're an artist, I know you'll select/design the most perfect arrangements. My condolences.

Now as to this piece ... has anybody wondered if Travis is in the same jail as Mr. Barry? Now wouldn't that be a coincidence??

7:00 PM  

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