Saturday, July 15, 2006

Hot Rods To Ho-Hum

Last night, I stayed up to watch a movie on TCM called Hot Rods To Hell. I have since learned that this 1967 cult classic was originally made as a tv film with the working title 52 Miles to Terror. Rumor has it that the flick didn't go straight to tv due to it's risqué content. It was filmed in two weeks time in Palmdale, California, and it was brought in under budget. Boy, does it show it. Hot Rods to Hell begins with a perfect Christmas Eve for the perfect suburban family. Traveling salesman and stalwart father Tom Phillips (Dana Andrews) is injured in an auto accident, hit dead on by a drunk driver while listening to Christmas tunes. (It looked like a fender bender to me, but who knew?) After Tom's extensive and expensive recovery period, wife Peg (Jeanne Crain) worries about her husband's mental condition. "The accident did something to him, Bill," she explains to her brother-in-law, "It's his attitude about things. I'm afraid he's become a… a very frightened man."

Uncle Bill steps in and saves the day. Once Tom is comfortably ensconced at home with his wife and two children, teenage Tina (Laurie Mock) and young Jamie (Tim Stafford), he must consider his family's future. With his bad back, Tom can no longer cover the territory his old job required and money has been depleted during his recovery. Brother Bill proposes a new business opportunity: owning and operating a desert motel. (Did "Bate's Motel" pop into my head? You betcha. The minute Uncle Bill said this, I thought, "Uh oh.")

The heavily made-up Andrews (who wears nearly as much make-up as his female co-star Crane) is terrorized by recurring nightmares of his accident. He also writhes and clutches at his bad back a lot talking about his pain pills. Dad decides a fresh start is in order. "As soon as I'm able, we'll make the trip. Just the four of us. Everything is going to be brand new."

The Real Star of the Movie: A 1958 Corvette

As the Phillips family makes their way through the California desert in their Plymouth station wagon, they encounter a group of hot rodding teens. (Plymouth had to be giving the film maker some kind of deal here. I lost count of how many Plymouths I saw during the course of the film, but there were a lot.) The wild teens bad driving understandably upsets Dad Phillips, but youthful daughter Tina has a different perspective, "All the kids drag, Dad." (Tina, by the way, has some massively teased hair going, with a very clearly defined line along her crown to show she's wearing a fall. By today's actresses' standards, she was a tad "thick," would have breast augmentation and a nose job.)

The cast screams in horror as their
collective careers go down in flames

"What kind of animals are those?", screams Mom as the wild irrepressible teens of Mayville, who apparently just hang in the desert driving in fast paced dirt flung circles, charge at the family's car head on. Well, Mom. They're the kind of animals that wear plaid, button down shirts and freshly-pressed slacks. The bored, outlaw kids dress like young Republicans with tidy hair and not a popped collar in the bunch. Surely in 1967 there were blue jeans, long hair and the flying of the freak flag. Duke (Paul Bertoya) the de facto punk leader of this wild trio, can't keep his hands off freaky chick Gloria (Mimsy Farmer.) She asks the universal eternal question for teens, "What's left for kicks?" After some swell hot rodding antics (close-ups are achieved using old-school rear projection techniques) Duke and Gloria engage in some heavy social recreation. He comes back from behind the desert rocks without a shirt on, exposing his tanned, oiled chest. Gloria, at best, looks...rumpled.

"We just had kicks...and I'm toast."

When the family car has a blowout, everyone is a bit rattled. "Let's not go being too dramatic," Mother quips, despite the fact she spends the rest of the movie clutching her face, hair flipping as she screams, "My God, Tom, why are they doing this? Why doesn't it stop?" (I found myself asking the same question repeatedly every time she screamed.)

At a nearby service station, Tom gets to talking with the station attendant about the motel and his plans for the future. Ernie (Gene Kirkwood as another well-dressed "hoodlum") overhears their conversation and fills Duke in on the situation. It seems that the motel and its adjoining roadhouse, The Arena, are the only places for disenfranchised local teens to hang out. There's no telling what a square like Tom Phillips will do to their favorite juke joint. With Square Tom owning the place, there's nowhere else in Mayville to go for kicks.

Kids Seeking Kicks In Mayville
Haven't They Tried Craig's List?

Tom, who's chosen this particular moment to try and overcome his fears, takes the wheel of the family car only to be terrorized by Duke and his pals. The kids taunt and tease the Phillips' family with their vehicular antics along vast stretches of the uninhabited desert highway. What makes the scene so enjoyable isn't the impressive stunt driving, but the reactions old hams, Andrews and Crane. While his family is being menaced, Andrews is stony-faced but sweaty while Crane shrieks, gasps and overacts wildly. Accompanied by frenzied go-go music, the teens literally drive circles around old man Tom. (Producing and editing in two weeks also means you get to see the shadows of cameramen in several shots.)

"Tom, we've got to get away from them," Peg pleads, overstating the obvious. A highway sign announces "Picnic Area Ahead," and the family find refuge at a particularly verdant spot that has trees, grass...even a lake! Just the kind of place you'd expect to find in the middle of the desert. The family proceeds to eat their lunch in peace while dad rests prone on a picnic bench to ease the pain in his back...(or maybe he's been popping some of those painkillers and is grooving to the pretty patterns the willow branches make, waving in the breeze.) Sullen Tina drifts off to the lake, mainly at her parent's urging, to escape her whining and pouty face.

"Picnics? Maaaan. Picnics are for SQUARES!"
Oops..wrong movie. That would be (a still cool
to this day
) Marlon Brando in The Wild One

Duke shows up ready for some new action, and he abandons his girlfriend, Gloria, to his best friend, Ernie. Duke keeps calling Gloria "yesterday's bread," so he bops off to the lake to locate (crustless Wonder™) Tina who is dipping her bare tootsies in some MGM backlot tank. Tina is repelled, yet intrigued by Duke's freewheeling ways. "You almost killed us… for kicks." (Kicks again.) "Do you think I'd wanna hurt anybody who looks like you?", Duke asks. (Given her penchant for mismatched apparrel, I would guess, "Yes.") After giving her a kiss, Duke lays down the law, "Now tell your father that he'd better not try to change things because if he does, nobody around here is going to have any fun. Not even you."

A lunkheaded local (whose on screen wife is played by Hortense Petra, the wife of producer Sam Katzman) engages in some dangerous driving around the lake, plowing through kids to get to the hot dogs and cold beer (obviously a hunter/gatherer type.) This catches the attention of a highway patrolman who follows lunkhead back to the picnic area, and after lecturing the bozo, Tom and Peg report the earlier hot rod incident to him, "They have to be stopped officer, they're going to kill somebody." With a deadpan that rivals Joe Friday, the patrolman gives them a mini sermon on modern troubled youth. "These kids have nowhere to go but they want to get there at a 150 miles an hour. Giving them cars like that is like putting guns in their hands." The teens, in the meantime, have sermonized earlier about their martini swilling parents ("My dad will hold up the olive in his drink and say, "This is number one. I just want you to know, because by the time I have gotten to number 14, I will have forgotten.") Oh, the dichcotomy of it all.

With Duke and his gang on down the road, the Phillips family continue their trip. They arrive at the motel to find the adjoining "coffee shop" really jumping. It turns out the motel has this barn called "The Arena," that is a wild nightclub with the Mickey Rooney, Jr. trio featured as performers. The current owner, Daley, is ready to blow off to hotter spots (Vegas, L.A., San Francisco) in his Hawaiian shirts. Meanwhile, he's got a bartender in place slipping illicit booze and pills to the white go-go booted kids who appeared, to me, to be doing The Funky Chicken. The Phillips family settles in for the night but Tina tosses and turns in her bed, hair flared around her head, as she hears the demon drums of rock and roll.. She sneaks out her bedroom window, seemingly unable to resist the siren song of Mickey Rooney Jr. and his combo and finds her way to the club where she sees Ernie and Gloria, (who Duke again refers to as "stale bread") getting groovy on the crowded dance floor. Duke enters, and stale bread Gloria makes a scene when she sees that Duke is interested in Tina, a girl who is apparently popping fresh dough.

Coca Cola does not endorse
the antics
of irrepressible teens

Though The Arena obviously sells alcohol, Duke and his underage pals seem to make due with soda pop. In a brief scene where Duke sits at a table, an awkward black bar obscures the brand name on the bottle he's drinking from. (It seems that Coca Cola didn't care to be associated with the immoral hooligans of Hot Rods to Hell, so they banned the use of their product in the picture and the film editors air brushed the image out.) On the dance floor, Duke and Tina shake and shimmy and stare at each other longingly, then depart to the parking lot where Duke grabs Tina by her waist and is making these little pecking motions on her face. Tina pushes him off, insisting that she's "not like Gloria" (That would be "stale bread,") but Duke doesn't take no for an answer, "It's what's happening around here." (That would be "kicks.")

Tina protecting her expiration date

Realizing Tina is missing from her room, Tom circles the parking lot and finds the couple in this awkward embrace. He defends his daughter's virtue and starts choking Duke, but a back spasm prevents him from finishing the job. "Any girl would want Duke!", Tina screams at her father. Then she confesses, "You think I've never kissed a boy before?" (It reminded me of the old saw, "Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture?") With talk like that, it's definitely time for a mother/daughter heart to heart, but their little talk turns into a hysterical screaming match when Peg questions Tina about her youthful yearnings, "Is that what you want? To wind up in a motel room with any man?" Tina screams back, "All you think about is me getting married! (she's 16, by the way.) "What if something happens to the man I marry? What if he gets to be!" This hits a little too close to home for Mom. First slapping her daughter, she then dispenses with some motherly advice, "Tina, there isn't a woman alive who doesn't want a man, but you're young enough and desirable enough to demand that a man love you if he wants you." (In other words, get a ring before you give up the goods, or you'll have an expiration date slapped on you and be good for nothing but bread crumbs.)

Dana Andrews having another back spasm
just thinking about his salary on his piece of junk

For Tom Phillips the motel deal is definitely off. He packs up his family and is back on the road in no time, heading for the nearest police who are 30 miles away. On their way out of town the family encounter a traffic accident. It seems the speeding lunkhead from the picnic spot has met with a bad end. With all the subtlety of a "Blood on the Pavement" driver's ed. film, the stoic policeman sermonizes, "The law doesn't just belong to the cops, it belongs to them too." (He means "us," folks.) Then he sends them on their way, back into the dangers of the dark desert.

"I'm only 30 miles away if you need help.
Oh yeah...
Why isn't anyone wearing a seatbelt in this movie?"

It isn't long before Duke and Ernie catch up to them on a lonely stretch of highway. The boys continue to terrorize the Phillips family, each of whom indulge in their own unique style of histrionic overacting. Another sign is seen, "Roadside Diner Ahead. Open 24 Hours. Truckers Welcome." (I swear. Dad Phillips could see a sign saying "Bridge Ahead. Go Jump," and he'd do it.) Dad heads for the diner and a respite from the games of chicken. This part was hilarious. Dad pulls into a boarded up diner parking lot, gets out of the car and announces, "Maybe there's somebody inside." Then he's peeking between boards on the window and says "There's a telephone in there. Maybe I can call for help." (Uh...yeah, Dad. There's a plan. I fully expected Night of the Living Dead hot rod zombies to appear next.) Duke and his Corvette follow Dad, and after a brief confrontation with the hooligans, Dad picks up a board, WITH NAILS, and threatens them saying, "Do you know what these nails can do to your face?" (This is where I totally lost it in hysterics.)

"Back off, punks. I'm packing boards."

Duke, Ernie and the car blow off into the night, but by now Tom has his epiphany and realizes that if he's going to fight back, it has to be on their terms. No more passivity. No more laying low. (Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that Dad used to have anger issues before his accident? Well...he did.) Tom parks the car at the edge of a narrow bridge, has his family exit the car and walks them deep into the desert away from his planned danger. Duke and Ernie speed toward the family car for one final game of chicken, but they realize at the last minute that the Plymouth isn't budging. They swerve to avoid a collision and roll their rod off the road into a ditch. Tom runs up thunking at the upended Corvette, taking sissy swipes with a tire iron. He then begins to realize that he's had the fortitude to stand up to these little creeps all along. In a speech reminiscent of Scarlett O'Hara's vow to rebuild her ancestral home, Tom tells the boys, "I'm not going to run anymore. I'm going back to my motel and I'm gonna clean up all the slop and garbage and the smell and it's gonna be like it should be. And I won't even need the police." The police show up anyway and haul Duke and Ernie home with their tails between their legs. (No doubt to very drunk parents.)

It may have been a deeply traumatizing experience for them all, but the Phillips family is closer and more wholesome than ever. "Peg," a newly liberated Tom tells his wife, "I wouldn't even mind if you drove now." With Mom now behind the wheel, everyone piles into the station wagon for the drive back to their own little piece of the American dream, a roadside motel in Mayville, U.S.A. Dad in his high-waisted Sansabelt™ slacks, ready to defend his piece of the American loaf.

"I'm getting bugged driving up
and down this same old strip
I've got to find a new place
where the kids are hip."


Blogger The Absurdist said...

It's intereting that you mentioned The Wild One because I thought of that movie after I read a couple paragraphs of your post. I think The Wild One may have spawned a number of copy cats or perhaps a genre of crazed youth on motorcyles or driving hot rods movies. I watched The Wild One after watching Mad Max and I was struck by how much the motorcycle gang from Mad Max was clearly copied from The Wild One.

You'll appreciate this: I just looked up Mickey Rooney Jr.'s biography on It seems he is an evangelical Christian and that he and his wife are musicians who "testify to the folly of living "life in the fast lane."'

5:14 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Absurdist: When I first saw the title Hot Rods to Hell, I thought two things...either some black and white fifties flick along the lines of The Wild One, or else some AFI "B" trash by Roger Corman. I was surprised to see Mickey Rooney, Jr. mentioned when they rolled the credits, and I love the quote you found and cited.

I truly believe Brando threw down the sneering punk gauntlet in Wild One and few, if any, have been able to step up to the plate to claim it, since. Now I will relay a Wild One story. Growing up in D.C., there was a local tv station, (channel 5 or 20 I think,) and they would run a movie of the week the entire week during the day. One week it was The Wild One, and I watched it every day. At that point, I could recite huge hunks of the film by rote (no one said I had a normal childhood,) and I drew a cartoon strip where Brando and his gang terrorized the town by invading it on tricycles. I still have that strip buried in some file drawer in my home. OMG...I just remembered. Johnny (Brando) says to good girl Kathie, "What are you someone that makes sandwiches or something?" Shades of HRTH Duke and his stale bread!

My all time favorite quote from Wild Ones?

"What are you rebelling against, Johnny?

(Brando) "Whaddya got?"

5:52 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

Cube, I'm gonna guess that this post is a lot more exciting and entertaining than the actual movie... so I'll skip Hot Rods to Hell on Netflix. Thanks for a few laughs and a whole new perspective on stale bread!

7:23 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Stef: It's bad. Really bad. Not even good bad.

7:44 PM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

I remember "Hot Rods To Hell" the first time it came on TV. It was a horrible, moralizing film about youth culture as they saw it.

You neglected to tell readers, Cube, about the ending (perhaps so others can take the opportunity to see the film for themselves) so...


The hot rodders decide to duel it out with the dad in a game of chicken at night. Hot rodders are racing towards dad's car. Closer and closer. Headlights glaring into windshields. Kids are amazed and surprised that dad doesn't turn his wheel away. WHY??? Because he's not in the CAR!!! The driver turns the wheel to avoid the crash. Dad comes out from around his car to check on the kids. I *think* he had his plank of wood in case he needed to confront the kids again. I don't remember much after that point but I just remember watching the movie and thinking it was SO lame!

The local TV station was Channel 20 (WDCA), Cube. When it started up on TV was on a UHF channel. They had a strange programming schedule. I can remember they used to show bullfights on Saturday nights. One other film they enjoyed showing was "Guide For The Married Man" with Walter Matthau.

Channel 5 (WTTG) was an established station then.

10:21 PM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

OHRATS!!! You DID tell them the ending!

Sorry, Folks!

10:29 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Thai: Yes, I revealed the ending, since I had to suffer through the whole movie, why shouldn't YOU? As for those movies of the week, I "think" it was Channel 5, but my tiny tot memory is fuzzy on that point. I do remember my mother questioning my continued viewing of The Wild One along the lines of "enough is enough." She had already had to put up with me at five doing Bette Davis in Jezebel shashsaying around going, "A red dress to the Olympus Ball? Why, you're out of your senses. Child, you're out of your mind. You know you can't wear red to the Olympus Ball. Can't I? I'm goin' to. This is 1852, dumplin,' 1852. Not the Dark Ages. Girls don't have to simp around in white just because they're not married."

She also had to endure my friend Karen and I running around doing the dialogue and becoming hysterical at ourselves. Wanna see me do Lee Marvin as Chino?

"I love you, Johnny. I've been looking in every ditch from Fresno. That's better Johnny. You know I miss you. Ever since the club split up, I miss you. We all missed ya... you miss 'im? yea. The Beetles missed ya. All the Beetles missed ya. Come on Johnny, let's you and me go inside and have a beer... "

4:12 AM  
Blogger Megarita said...

CUBE! We've missed you so! No kicks anywhere when you're gone!

8:51 AM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

WTTG Channel 5 would have Saturday Matinee movies under the heading of "The World Beyond" where they'd show movies like "Kronos", "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman", "Creature from the Black Lagoon".

I still remember the introduction line that used to scare the begeezus out of my little brothers when they saw the mask floating in a mist: We watch, we wait. SOON, you will KNOW of us...we. from. the worrrld beeeeeeyond.

9:37 AM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

I'm CERTAINLY not doubting the intellegence and power of the Cray...I mean, CUBE computer. Afterall, though we ran in different circles here in D.C. we basically saw the same events. I can concede that it may have been WTTG that showed those movies. I just didn't watch THEM. I was more in tune to the horror and war movies.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Gee, thanks, WC....I felt like I had seen the movie after reading your blog. And who among us can stop reading once a WC blog is up? So..........thanks for not sparing me the viewing of this lovely film.

(tongue firmly in cheek)


1:59 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Kate: Thank you. It's funny. A friend asked me this morning if it had felt good to be writing again, and to write this piece, and I told them that "yes, yes it did" feel good, and that I had enjoyed the process (if not the movie). I suppose this has steeled my resolve to try and more this coming week.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Meg: I've missed you guys too. I still want to write the piece I started on the Fourth before I lost power for the week, so maybe that's next.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

Old corvettes always steal the show.

I love movies from the 50's and 60's. We were so innocent back then, so unselfconscious. Oh well.

So glad to see you writing again, Cube.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Reya: I love old cars. The oldest I ever owned was a 1939 Plymouth (with running board). It drove like a tank, it was so heavy. I'll always love the old Corvettes. Certain things are just so...American.

11:06 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Great job, Cube. I felt like I watched it, made fun of it, and walked out on it.

The 60s loved to produce either the "anti-establishment is bad" movie, or the "anti-establishment is OK" movie, much to the detriment of the movie goer.

My dad appeared in one of the latter. Awesomely bad movie (dad played one of the "establishment" roles). Here's a movie poster (dad is to the left of Slim Pickens): J.C.

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Dana did this movie as part of his alcoholism recovery work. Or maybe he fell off the wagon. A little of both.

Cube, Cube, you crazy kid. This is frightenly detailed. It's a text version of a midnight showing of Rocky Horror. Now we're all going to be quoting bad bad films.

Only you would refer to Jezebel while commenting on this p.o.s.: "To help me tell ya how humbly I ask you to forgive me. "

You scarlett woman, Cube!


10:15 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil: You floored me with your mention of Slim Pickens. I was Googling him yesterday, I swear to you!

I've been thinking a lot these past two months about cowboys and the American West and our romancing of it and what the West means to us...all of that...and I started thinking about real cowboys who wound up acting, men like Slim Pickens.

Including this:

How great that your Dad got to work with him. I was reading when Slim showed up on the set of Dr. Strangelove, the crew thought he was method acting, because of the way he spoke and dressed, not realizing that's how he always was. I also didn't know Kubrick wanted him to play Dick Hollaran in The Shining, (the part ultimately played by Scatman Crothers,) but Slim turned Kubrick down, remembering working with him in Dr. Strangelove and how difficult it had been with Kubrick's notorious retakes.

I dunno, but these past few months...cowboys...I wish I knew how to quit 'em. :)

10:29 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

P.S. Be sure and click on the link Phil provided. We have all GOT to be watching for J.C. to air on t.v.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Grince: You and I both have a passion for Bette Davis films. Stephanie (who also blogs in D.C.) just saw All About Eve for the first time this weekend and wrote about it at length, so please visit her blog and read her well-written piece:

Steffie? Grince is another one who goes around quoting All About Eve at length with me.
"You're too short for that gesture."

I snorted when I read your Dana Andrews comment, Grince. I knew about his alcoholism recovery, and I was also thinking "This movie would certain drive him back to the bottle."

P.S. Can you believe my word verification was "eveoux" on this one? ::raising hand and swearing:::

10:39 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

Cube: I don't think you'll ever see "JC" on the small screen. I don't even know if there are any videos of this movie in existence (tho' I have one).

How they blackmailed Pickens into this part I'll never was one of the worst-made movies ever. You talk about can see the boom mike in EVERY scene in this movie.

Also, I wouldn't say my dad actually "worked" with Pickens. Basically, the writer/director hired the local Jaycees to be the town's "establishment" (following the lead of Sheriff Pickens) - not much acting magic happened between them during the shoot.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Momentary Academic said...

Is it wrong that I kind of want to pilot a hot rod to hell. I mean not that one, but...

Good to have you back, Cube.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Although I am greatly relieved that power has finally been restored to the Cube 9000, I must admit that am deeply concerned about the supercomputer's TiVo settings...

5:31 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil (redux): Acting schmackting...I still think it's cool your Dad did this.

Momentary: I love hot rod culture and sneering punks, so "no," it is not wrong.

Travis: This came on after a night of on-line babysitting Miss Sparkles while Blackbeard was having some away time. I honestly thought it might be the hot rod equivalent of Blackboard Jungle. As for my fine tuning, you'd better believe I need a tune-up and some custom work as well: a little pinstriping, maybe a Big Daddy Roth Rat Fink. I just had my hair done after work tonight, so that's a start.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

Cube and Grince: You've convinced me, I've got to start renting more of Ms. Davis and learning those great lines! A girl always needs a good line to quote while sashaying around her living room in a ball gown. :-)

9:13 PM  
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