On The Streets Of Balt Amore

This week my friend Laura told me a story that took place in Baltimore, so at this point, I’m going to let her words take over….

So. I have a headlight partially out. The running light works, but the main light is out, and I'm driving through Baltimore on the way home. A city cop pulls me over and asks for my license. He's looking at my birthday (fill in year) and says “So what, you're…? (fill in the wrong age). That was my first clue that he's not too bright. Simple subtraction isn't a skill that city policemen need to prove they have, I guess. He asks... was I was married? any kids? ... all kinds of personal stuff. After a few minutes of chitty chatting, he finally goes back to his car.


Meanwhile, I got out to see the headlight, which part is out. So while I'm looking at my car, he waves me over to his car. I get to his door, and he said, "I'm going to give you a repair order. Why don't you get in so you can sign it when I'm done?" Reluctantly, I got into his stinky old police car and he asks me other questions: Did I grow up in Maryland, do I have family in the area, am I ready for Christmas?" Another cop is coming through on the walkie talkie thingie, saying that I do own the car and it wasn't stolen. The cop looks at me and smiles, then he says "I was checking you out."

"Everything I Eat Turns To Muscle"

He took almost 10 minutes to write out this repair order, and I'm blathering about what mechanic I'll take the car to, why wasn't it cold yet so close to Christmas. I was obviously feeling awkward. So he finally finishes, I sign the notice, and he says "If you have any questions, you can give me a call." Then he gives me his business card. He follows with "or, if you just want to call for any reason". Yeah. Right.

So as I exit, he says "I'll be talking to you." (Uh huh.) As I'm getting into my car, he asks "Do you know where you are going?"... making sure I wasn't lost, I assumed. I told him, "Yes. Sure I do," and he said, "Because if not, you can follow me. I'm going to meet some coworkers at the XYZ diner, you know where that is?". I politely decline and get in my car. Finally, back in familiar territory. Never loved my car more!

THEN... This is the funny part. Then he pulls up beside me (my window was still down), and he yells "Hey Laura. Wanna race?" CAN YOU BELIEVE? On the city streets of Bal'mer. Then he said, "I'll get a head start" and peels out. This was a first for me.

"Meet Me At The Sidebar, East Lex."