Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cocktail Of The Lost Week:Britney Spears
Highball, Lowball, Screwball, Correctol


Image from TMZ.com

I was going to make my cocktail of the week the Britney Spears Car Wreck, given that two days ago she shuffled into a Mercedes dealership, bought a new SLK350, then immediately went out and hit something with it. Just the thing for that 4 a.m. roll to Popeye's. By the time I have gotten to posting about this cocktail, Britney has already been hauled off to an evaluation ward at the hospital, complete with police escort. Britney burps. News at eleven.

In keeping with the highs and lows and crazy strings of her life (just shoots right out there and lands in gloppy, tangled messes,) I've created:


The Britney Spears Highball, Lowball, Screwball, Correctol Cocktail:

2 ounces Absolut Vodka (It's in your freezer, Sweetie. Ten bottles of it. No. Over there. Over THERE! The kitchen. THE. KITCHEN. THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET CHEETOES!)

1 dash Barcardi 151 Rum (Mama needs her jolt in the a.m.)

1 ounce Chambord Raspberry Liqueur (It's sweet y'all, and it comes in a bottle with a crown like those air fresheners I can put in my back seat window.)

1 ounce Peach Schnapps (Louisiana is peaches, ain't it? No wait. Maybe that's Mizzippi.)

2-3 ounces Orange Juice (I know this one. I used to put it in the babies bottles with that absolutely stuff.)

2-3 ounces Pineapple Juice (Where do I get pineapple juice? Hawaii? I gotta go to Hawaii? I need some new bikinis and spray tan and a weave..a new weave.)

Shake with ice cubes and pour into Hurricane Glass (as in..."she's always in the eye of a ....")


NOTE: If you are a PA, you may need to get a jug of that nasty colored water at Shopper's Warehouse, dump it, tenfold this recipe to make the drink a traveller and stock up on red cups.

NOTE ON PHOTOGRAPH:

A St. Christopher candle (already lit ;) to keep Britney out of car wrecks. Yes, C-Chris lost his Catholic whammy, but he's still got some juice;

A copy of the book Train Your Mind: Change Your Brain by Sharon Begley;

Amy Winehouse's red lace bra she FINALLY took it off (and we thought it would never happen);

A slew of rosaries Madonna had ditched. (Listen, Brit Brit. Madonna just bought a $12 million property for her next door GYM. Doncha get it? Listen to the Master. You NEVER have to leave the house. Those rosaries have been blessed with strong juju. Use them);

A LARGE bottle of prescribed medication. You could string the pills and wear it around your neck like those candy necklaces you loved chawin' on as a kid. String the pills in the shape of a rosary and you could use it to pray AND eat it. Multi-taskin' sorta-kinda.

P.S. Save your chicken bones from Popeye's for some massive Santeria power.

P. P.S. I bought the candle in a Santeria shop, so the magic is already workin', girl. You're out of the car.
THIS JUST IN: Britney consuming massive quanities of laxatives. Maybe she thought it was hair coloring?


It wasn't that long ago that people thought this was Britney at a malfunctioning level .
From Fanta to Correctol. At least her wig matches the packaging, right? Some images from TMZ.com. I would hate covering her as a news assignment. Her story changes by the minute, as I've seen in editing this piece.









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14 Comments:

Blogger Loralee said...

It's sad when an adult, who seemed to be a highly functioning young adult and child, needs a keeper.

Love the cocktail/description ;)

Lee

12:38 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Miss Thi: Britney wouldn't even pass the standards of admission for Camp Virtue. No team spirit and can't follow directions. ;X

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cocktails and Santaria: Geez, Cube, lock up the cats! Here's a cocktail from Louisiana which may appeal to your absinthe-loving self (but is plainly too classy for the Brittster:

Cocktail à la Louisiane
3/4 ounce rye whiskey.
3/4 ounce Italian vermouth.
3/4 ounce Bénédictine.
3 dashes Herbsaint, pastis or other absinthe substitute.
3 dashes Peychaud's Bitters.

Mix in barglass with lumps of ice. Strain into a cocktail glass
in which has been placed a maraschino cherry.



Hell, we know what Britt really drinks: Southern Comfort and Mountain Dew, y'all.

- Grince

12:55 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Grince: Me likee your cocktail. I'll have to try it. We all know Britney would drink anything combined with anything or anyone.
She says CHAYtoes, I say CHEEtoes. She says CorrecTILL, I say Correctol. Let's call the whole thing OFF!

I felt the earth heave at Cole Porter's grave.

2:06 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

I knew it was bad the moment I saw the 151. What are you trying to do to us?

2:54 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Sweetie? That girl's life is a dervish. At the rate her story changes, whatever she's consuming, it's got to kick in QUICK! ;)

3:07 PM  
Blogger cuff said...

What a train wreck, and no handlers capable of containing it. Now it's just a matter of time before the rest of her money's gone and she becomes that crazy woman down at the end of the trailer park who's always wearing a bathrobe and scaring the kids.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Cuff: They all get addicted to the attention. The horror settles in when it fades. I was reading on one of the gossip blogs today how Paris Hilton (and she does WHAT for a living??) staged some phoney scenario where she got some F list celebrity into a hot spot du jour in L.A. after being turned away...but the whole thing created solely for the media. Just how hungry for attention is that woman? In other words they create messes to get attention. What happens when any of them are fifty? I guess they can always walk around like Michael Jackson with bits of their faces gauzed that aren't literally falling off. I think Britney's next move should be to appear out in public wearing a dog attack suit.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

and P.S. WHERE is Hammer when I need him? Or Phil? Now THEY could photoshop Britney into a dog attack suit.

3:19 PM  
OpenID thaimex1 said...

Gosh...and I remember when Madonna and Britney kissed on that award show. How did Madonna explain it to Lourdes - The old diva was sending energy to the new diva (or thereabouts)? Looks like it became a Kiss of Death. Christina should be VERY happy that she wasn't involved with that mess!!!

7:28 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Christina came from that same Disney class, but she and Justin and Ryan Gosling seem to have weathered it. I read something this week that said getting a contract with Disney was like signing up to be a whore. Ole Walt's head tumbled in his cryonic chamber on that one.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Ryane said...

haha.Omg. That cocktail sounds awesome. I mean, sorta like the Pepperidge Farm cookie commercial: if you're gonna have a cocktail--have a cocktail!

I think I'll pass on the used bra, though. gah...;-)

10:15 AM  
Blogger Velvet said...

Will we be pouring this drink into a starbucks cup and carrying it around with us?

11:22 AM  
Blogger Loralee said...

If you want to make that cocktail, I make absinthe, and have some of my last batch available for that purpose. One of these days I'm going to get or make a still, so it stops tasting quite so bitter...

Lee

8:15 PM  

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