Cocktail Of The Lost Week:Britney SpearsHighball, Lowball, Screwball, Correctol

Image from TMZ.com

I was going to make my cocktail of the week the Britney Spears Car Wreck, given that two days ago she shuffled into a Mercedes dealership, bought a new SLK350, then immediately went out and hit something with it. Just the thing for that 4 a.m. roll to Popeye's. By the time I have gotten to posting about this cocktail, Britney has already been hauled off to an evaluation ward at the hospital, complete with police escort. Britney burps. News at eleven.

In keeping with the highs and lows and crazy strings of her life (just shoots right out there and lands in gloppy, tangled messes,) I've created:

The Britney Spears Highball, Lowball, Screwball, Correctol Cocktail:

2 ounces Absolut Vodka (It's in your freezer, Sweetie. Ten bottles of it. No. Over there. Over THERE! The kitchen. THE. KITCHEN. THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET CHEETOES!)

1 dash Barcardi 151 Rum (Mama needs her jolt in the a.m.)

1 ounce Chambord Raspberry Liqueur (It's sweet y'all, and it comes in a bottle with a crown like those air fresheners I can put in my back seat window.)

1 ounce Peach Schnapps (Louisiana is peaches, ain't it? No wait. Maybe that's Mizzippi.)

2-3 ounces Orange Juice (I know this one. I used to put it in the babies bottles with that absolutely stuff.)

2-3 ounces Pineapple Juice (Where do I get pineapple juice? Hawaii? I gotta go to Hawaii? I need some new bikinis and spray tan and a weave..a new weave.)

Shake with ice cubes and pour into Hurricane Glass (as in..."she's always in the eye of a ....")

NOTE: If you are a PA, you may need to get a jug of that nasty colored water at Shopper's Warehouse, dump it, tenfold this recipe to make the drink a traveller and stock up on red cups.

NOTE ON PHOTOGRAPH:

A St. Christopher candle (already lit ;) to keep Britney out of car wrecks. Yes, C-Chris lost his Catholic whammy, but he's still got some juice;

A copy of the book Train Your Mind: Change Your Brain by Sharon Begley;

Amy Winehouse's red lace bra she FINALLY took it off (and we thought it would never happen);

A slew of rosaries Madonna had ditched. (Listen, Brit Brit. Madonna just bought a $12 million property for her next door GYM. Doncha get it? Listen to the Master. You NEVER have to leave the house. Those rosaries have been blessed with strong juju. Use them);

A LARGE bottle of prescribed medication. You could string the pills and wear it around your neck like those candy necklaces you loved chawin' on as a kid. String the pills in the shape of a rosary and you could use it to pray AND eat it. Multi-taskin' sorta-kinda.

P.S. Save your chicken bones from Popeye's for some massive Santeria power.

P. P.S. I bought the candle in a Santeria shop, so the magic is already workin', girl. You're out of the car.

THIS JUST IN: Britney consuming massive quanities of laxatives. Maybe she thought it was hair coloring?

It wasn't that long ago that people thought this was Britney at a malfunctioning level .

From Fanta to Correctol. At least her wig matches the packaging, right? Some images from TMZ.com. I would hate covering her as a news assignment. Her story changes by the minute, as I've seen in editing this piece.