Thursday, April 17, 2008

Blues Traveller

"If you are in your zoned section for longer than three minutes, jet acceleration will not be safe to persons in dispersal area. To avoid being singed by jet exhaust, please exit your vehicle on the right, and walk through the blue zone on the left." ~~ THX 1138


I was reading Hue, a blog devoted to issues of color, and yesterday they reported that Baltimore Washington International Airport (BWI) would be part of a pilot program for stress reduction in specific airport screening areas.

Concourse A: Hot Rock Massage Therapy And Anal Probe

A description of the special screening area from the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) states, “Mauve, blue and purple panels of lights glow, low decibel ambient spa music hums, and smiling employees offer quiet greetings and assistance.” How do you quietly greet someone you are about to perform a strip search on?

I immediately thought of George Lucas' first film, THX 1138-- a futuristic world where sex and violence are portrayed on televisions while it's citizens are drugged to control their emotions and behaviors. Where androids dream of electric sheep.

"What's Wrong?" ~~ THX 1138

TSA planners have been tinkering in a warehouse near the Washington, D.C. airport testing these new techniques. "You can actually influence some behavior subliminally through color," said Catherine Lillie, head of the checkpoint-testing team. Can you imagine lavender tones and bloop bloop tones soothing you through long lines and shoe trays; where airport security wands zap miscreants into thinking twice about what they are packing.
About to depart from Logan Airport one day, I couldn't help but notice a wall display of what not to take on the plane. There was the usual display of knives and nail clippers and stun guns (joking on the stun gun, friendo) but one item fascinated me. A pizza wheel. My first question was "Why?" yet obviously someone at some point had attempted to bring a pizza wheel onto an airplane.
In the name of public safety and service, I'm here to warn you against the pizza wheel. You may find yourself being lead behind a mauve and azure screened CPR (cavity probe room) while "There's No Place Like Om" pulses around you. Keep your Sbarro Supreme in the main concourse, and you should be fine.

Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Oh, this would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind!” ~~Shrek

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9 Comments:

Blogger I-66 said...

Great. Now I know what to look forward to when I next fly (Chicago, June). Woo!

3:54 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

66 is going to Chicago to judge Top Chef. It's TROO. No? To see Da Bears? No? OPRAH! 66 is going to be on Oprah. *dingdingding*

4:39 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I for one couldn't be happier that the Committee of Public Safety has taken such measures to ensure my soothing, color-coordinated welfare. And as for the Committee's policy of executing transgressors and malcontents by giant pizza wheel, don't think of it as tyranny - think of it as "incentivized compliance."

10:45 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Hammer: Skeery, huh? Now go see THX 1138 if you haven't, and you'll know what bothers me so about this...and so much more.

11:03 PM  
Blogger dennis said...

Dennis prefers airports to be lit harshly they way it's supposed to be. then you know what to expect and all airports uniformly suck lighting wise. And keep the BarylowMuzak, all very know what to expecty.

Dennis would not like to be cornered in the back of a plane by pizza wheel wielding bad men.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Dennis:

I am sure if you had your way, airplanes would have lavatory cubicles with a litter box (with a low slide bar for privacy saying "catupied.")

Dennis could survive subdued lighting as Dennis has excellent night vision.

Dennis would also insist on having blankets in the overhead compartments as they remind him of his favorite cupboard over the refrigerator. He could be up high and see everything.

If Dennis were like my last kitty, he would want to eat the pizza and rip your lips off to get at it. Dennis is already wearing his Ninji outfit to attack the pizza wheel contraband wielding bad men.

Dennis has written U.S. Air about the necessity of Tender Vittle packets, catnip mice and bottled tuna juice on the food cart.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous ma said...

I don't know that I'd feel comfortable in a purple haze. How am I supposed to be in anticipation mode for travel?

I don't like that...

10:40 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

MA: Purple Haze brings to mind the lyrics of Jimi Hendrix:

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just dont seem the same
Actin funny, but I dont know why
'scuse me while I kiss the sky
Purple haze all around
Dont know if Im comin up or down
Am I happy or in misery?

11:58 AM  
Blogger Aileen said...

I flew out of Logan yesterday and saw a weird thing at the security lines. They had "Expert Traveler" lines, "Casual Traveler" lines, and "Family and Those needing assistance" lines. I understood the intention, but in reality it made no sense.

At first I entered the "Expert" line since in theory it would move faster. But it was five times as long as the family line, so I moved.

10:37 AM  

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