Sunday, June 01, 2008

No Kingdom For Old Men

" There's Aliens In Our Midst...And They Bring Us Guacamole." *

I went out to White Flint Mall in the early part of the evening to get a little shopping done, and I thought I’d take in a movie. Normally I avoid White Flint for flicks. (small screens.) Iron Man had already started, and I knew Sex and the City would be a first weekend sellout, so I opted for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. From the opening action sequences, I thought, "Harrison Ford is going to need a hip replacement." Have we become a society that feels so inadequate that we need superhuman powers? In all of the previews I saw, Will Smith’s Hancock, Batman, even the animated Kung Fu Panda, there seems to be this overriding theme of needing to possess superpowers. Are we all feeling that ineffectual in our lives, or is this just summer movie madness 2008?

From the opening moments, I kept thinking “PeePaw Jones. Harrison Ford is way too old to be playing this role anymore.” I hated the computerized special effects. I was annoyed by the goofs and obvious inconsistencies. Oh. I see. You just scrub Indy down with an industrial broom and any residues from surviving a nuclear explosion are gone? The premise of him even surviving a nuclear blast was stupid. The digital countdown numbers which didn’t exist in 1957. The slip and slide in the nuclear front yard that didn’t exist until the 1960’s. Karen Allen’s hairstyle, which did exist in 1990, but not in 1957. And what lens did they use on her? It was so blurry, it looked like it was smeared in Vaseline. My friend Tony and I were discussing this later, and he said, “You would have thought it was Barbara Walters, that lens was so coated.”


"I Vant A Vax, Not A Shave!"

Cate Blanchett was made up impeccably, but under a hard pancake makeup and harder lens. You could see the pores in her cheeks, and what was with the facial fuzz? How much did Spielberg and Lucas spend on this film? Millions. And they can’t get her under a pot of hot wax and some muslin strips? That nasty Shia boy doing a direct rip off of Marlon Brando in The Wild One (a movie I have mentioned many a time on this blog.) Sacrilege. He certainly couldn't fill Brando's jeans, sneer or contempt for square 1957 America (and his motorcycle wasn’t even accurate. )

Accept No Substitutes

And the ants. African. Not South American. Duh. Tony added, "Ants? What the hell was with that monkey swinging??? The Aztec calendar on the floor of the temple? No.” I said, “John Hurt could have passed himself off as a Mayan artifact, but he’s been looking like that since Alien.” And Mutt is his son??? Try grandson, PeePaw. Your son would be forty. I told Tony it would have been more interesting if the film was PeePaw Jones and The Crystal Meth Lab. That’s when we let loose:

PeePaw Jones and the Search for Calista Flockhart’s Weight
PeePaw Jones and His Lost Sperm Count
PeePaw Jones and His Adventures in Colonoscopy
PeePaw Jones and The Early Bird Special
PeePaw Jones and His Erectile Dysfunction




Potatohead Jones and the Kingdom of Hasbro

Tony said, “When the Russians were in that warehouse of U.S. Military Intelligence, don’t you think they would have taken more than what they were looking for? For God sakes, it’s military intelligence artifacts. All of the stuff in there would have been worth something. When we glimpse the Ark earlier in other films? The Ark was stacked on top of boxes in the warehouse. In this movie it was on a lower shelf.”

Then we started up again:

PeePaw Jones and the Search For Kidney Stones
PeePaw Jones and the Ruins of His Face
PeePaw Jones Mystery of the Prostate

Tony added, “I thought at the end, “Wait a minute. They’d bury a flying saucer that could travel great distances to Earth, and then have all of those stupid traps?”

PeePaw Jones and the Search for His Dentures
PeePaw Jones and The Raid For His Next Hip Replacement
PeePaw Jones and the Lost Nap at Noon

I saw the saddest thing when I was leaving. All of these young girls, early twenties, all dressed up and waiting in the lobby in their groups, waiting to go in for the next showing of Sex and the City. Every single one of them had on a short dress with cleavage, bold prints, jewelry, and very high heels. They had on makeup. They had their hair done in au courant disarray, which is to say "styled to look unstyled," but they weren’t wearing Dior or Westwood or McQueen. Macy’s. The jewels not from Fred Leighton and Harry Winston. Claire’s or Forever 21. No Manolo’s or Choo's. DSW.


SJP And The Legend Of Zombie Hands


I found it odd these twenties were going to see women in their forties (and older) living out this fantasy. The gossip blogs have been vicious these past few weeks on Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) in particular. There’s now a website called Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like a Horse, and that’s what it is: a website with side by side pictures of SJP and horses in similar poses.

As I exited, I saw another group of girls walking in, all done up and nowhere to go but a suburban mall; all going to see the fairy tale. There was a group of young men waiting to go into Dave and Buster’s right next to the theatre. Wrinkled polo shirts, crinkled shorts. Mussed….and not being bussed. I thought, “There’s something wrong here.”

This morning I was telling all of this to my friend Drew, while I was driving and on my way to do my errands, and when I told him about the young men at Dave and Buster’s he laughed and said, “Hell….that sounds like a better trade-off to me. Dave and Buster’s, getting drunk, and killing zombies.”


Kill the Brain. Kill the Zombie.

* I threw in a link to a punk group out of California called "The Twinkeyz" singing "There's Aliens In Our Midst." They've also got a My Space page: MySpace.com - the TWINKEYZ - Experimental / Punk / New Wave - www.myspace.com/twinkeyzusa

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28 Comments:

Blogger kob said...

I did not notice Cate Blanchett's need for hot wax. But rest assured, I will not watch this movie on a DVD BluRay.

You tore this movie up and me too. Loved it.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

PATRICK??? PATRICK!!!!!! Where have you BEEN?????

10:50 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

Indiana Jones and the the Kingdom of the Hidden Hills Assisted Living Facility.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Professor Montblanc said...

I also love the Indy jone film! very good!

1:37 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil: Indiana Jones and the Mystery of The Google.

Professor? Is there a language conflict here? I hated it, or is this what you French call "le sarcasme."

2:42 PM  
OpenID ThaiMex1 said...

Dr. Cube, the movie would make more sense if you spoke Hovitos...do you speak Hovitos, Dr. Cube?

Dr. Rene Beloq

3:08 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

T: Very funny, Tony. Did you see what Phil wrote?

3:15 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Indiana Jones and Those Con'sarnd'd Kids In My Yard

3:32 PM  
OpenID ThaiMex1 said...

PeePaw Jones And The Search For His AARP Membership Card.

Tony

6:22 PM  
Blogger d. chedwick said...

well i'd rather watch grandpa jones five times than watch the sex in the city movie once. i never enjoy chick flicks and 'date movies' i'd rather watch death wish 4 than sex in the city!

8:40 PM  
Blogger d. chedwick said...

ps

isn't he like 20 years beyond his first aarp card? I thought he was late 7o's...

8:41 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

D Ched. I'd rather watch a Hunt for Red October rerun than Harrison Ford. I "think" he's 64. His wife is 43. It must be his winsome smile, right?

8:56 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

So the Indiana Jones movie gets what? Only one and a half pings?

How sad...

11:41 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Indiana Jones and the Search for the Cure for Diaper Rash

Will he be the hero again? Depends.

7:08 AM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

I avoid sequels like the plague because really they are never good. I loved The Matrix - the first one (never saw the rest). Same with Indiana Jones. I knew ...

Great though that you're willing to go see these films and skewer them for the rest of us. Far better to read your post than actually go to the films.

Loved the NYTimes review of S&City - he said it was sad to see SJP wearing a cloth flower on her lapel where all the cool girls wear their Obama buttons.

Zombies? Oh yeah.

This weekend, on DVD, I watched Kingdom of Heaven, that Ridley Scott film about very early Christianity, very early Crusaders. Really amazing movie, not perfect, really long, too many bloody battles (fast forward time). Orlando Bloom is the star and he's adorable.

Lots of silly platitudes, but some very good stuff too. Did you see it?

7:50 AM  
Blogger Mari said...

Funny stuff. Nearly split a side.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Gilahi said...

And what's with all the natives hiding IN THE WALLS? They just hang out there for a few thousand years in case somebody shows up? And who believes you can throw a snake like that and it'll just go limp like a rope? And standing up and fencing on vehicles riding through the jungle? And why did the monkeys all decide to attack the Russian in the car but leave the kid alone? And.... Oh crap, there's just too much to mention that's too wrong with this movie.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Arjewtino said...

Those crazy monkeys could see into Shia's soul and KNOW he was "good" and that the commies were "bad"? Forget Joe McCarthy's witch trials, the U.S. should have employed these monkeys to root out enemies!

1:21 PM  
Blogger AbbotOfUnreason said...

Wasn't she called the "horse-faced girl" in Ed Wood?

2:11 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Indiana Jones and the Living Will

3:50 PM  
Anonymous The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker said...

The more I hear about the summer movies the more I want to stay home and rent the original Ark.

Hey, did you notice that, besides being garishly dressed the SATC fans were SMOKERS? I was shocked by what I saw at the premiere, everyone emulating Carrie's worst habit: Not her Manolos, but those damn cigarettes.

But did she smoke in the movie? I don't recall.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Squirrel said...

I agree with Reya -- sequels are not usually any good.

thanks for the horse SJP link--I liked the wedding gown white horse set best!

9:12 PM  
Blogger Squirrel said...

True story:

71 year old Harry Kopenis, said he went to an ATM at a bank near his Kingston, PA home Monday morning and withdrew $100 when a woman came out of nowhere, knocked him down and stole the money. The woman fled.

His elderly neighbor, Kevin Lamb, was nearby in his electric wheelchair and both men chased her. Lamb said Kopenis got the woman in a headlock and grabbed the squirming woman.

Sounds like a script possibility.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Hammer: The funny thing is I was going to go see a movie called The Counterfeiters...set in a concentration camp, that night. Sounds like a great dat movie, doesn't it? And yeah..I got the "ping" reference. Trust me. I know the dialogue in Red October by heart.

66: My clever and funny buddy.

Reya: I agree with you on sequels. Chinatown is a flawless movie. The Two Jakes? Floppo. Godfather I and II did work...but he had to push for III which flopped. I loved The Matrix, but hated the others. As for Kingdom of Heaven, yes absolutely I've seen it. My masked silent Edward Norton as King? I laid low yesterday and there was NOTHING on t.v. I wound up watching some horror on Lifetime TV (which I NEVER watch,) starring Kate Jackson as the mother of some boy murdered (based on a real life story): wooden acting, faded film, crappy dialogue. The only thing that would have redeemed it was a guest spot with Tori Spelling.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Mari: Thank you. I'll be over visiting your blog.

Gilahi: Every point you made: agreed. And as you wisely said, SO much wrong with this film. You could rip it to shreds and still not be done.

Arjewtino: And "red" ants eating a Commie? The funny thing is, I've been exposed to red ants in my past. There were warring columns across a path I had to use. We would douse our pants in kerosene so they would stay off us and not bite...and they do have a nasty bite.

There's always a continuity person on a picture..someone to keep items on a desk the same in each shot...hair styled the same...the cup put back in the proper hand...I'm that person's nightmare. My eye gloms onto everything wrong.

Abbo: That and other things have landed on her. I found her vanity funny (and sad) during this press junket where she would continually do things to outshine the other women and draw eyes to herself. It spoke of a lack of generosity on her part, in my mind.

Phil: Indiana Jones and The Breeze Thru Men's Hat "Keep A Cool Head":

http://www.haband.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/products.detail/categoryID/b9ea98b8-2b8d-4575-bcd4-14c1f7a71916/productID/5086b469-b65f-4916-b603-1c97fa67f798/

Instead of looking cool, you should just want to BE cool

DChed. HeeHaw! I LOVED Grandpa Jones.

Hedonistic: Yes, I saw the smoking girls too. Forgot all about that. Yes, Carrie smoked in the series, and there were several episodes around that...people asking her not to, boyfriends that objected. I think after the third season they stopped having her smoke. The whole premise of the series bugs me. This freelance writer wearing couture? How on earth would she ever begin to pay for it? She couldn't. I saw one still from the new movie where she's wearing a $$$$ Nina Ricci sweater in her apartment while she types. Ludicrous.

Squirrel: Sounds like a pitch for the studios. Maybe the wheelchair can have a flame thrower.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Drew T said...

Appropos of not much, www.urbandictionary.com 's word of the day today is "Nuke the Fridge". Apparently it's a derogatory phrase directly attributed to Indiana Jones which, like "Jump the Shark" means that they blew it by stretching belief too thin.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Drew: Stretched too thin? The movie squeaked.

11:14 AM  
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6:36 AM  

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