Black FridayBlue Christmas

Black Friday, Blue Christmas

Words at the sales table: velvet codspieces 40% off

I was thinking of Thomas Wolsey today, the day of the bargain: Black Friday. Once in a heightened position of power, Wolsey fell low when he opposed Henry VIII's wish to break with the Catholic church, renounce Henry's marriage to Catherine of Aragon and aid in the ascension of Anne Boleyn to the throne. Anne worked diligently to oust him, and in 1529, Wolsey was stripped of his office as Lord Chancellor and ordered to return the Great Seal--not something you can replace easily at Home Goods. He also “turned over” all of his wealth to Henry (including York Palace and Hampton Court), his gold and silver plate, and his jewels. You could say being King, and having the Tower of London and an executioner at your disposal, makes every day a blue spot special.

Wolsey's retiring quietly to a country house wasn’t enough for Anne B. She was furious when the King pardoned him and confirmed Wolsey as Archbishop of York. Anne had Wolsey's physician bribed into falsely accusing Wolsey of urging the Pope to excommunicate Henry, claiming he wished to seize the English throne himself. With all of these trumped up charges as evidence of treachery, the Cardinal was arrested on a charge of high treason in November.




When you read Wolsey’s history, it always reports that he fell ill on his transport to the Tower to London and died at Leicester Abbey on November 28, 1530. "When the Cardinal was thus arrested, the King sent Sir William Knight, captain of the guard of the Tower of London to fetch the Cardinal to the Tower. When the Cardinal saw Knight “… he was much astonished and shortly became ill, for he foresaw some great trouble, and for that reason men said he willingly took so much strong purgative that his constitution could not bear it.”

If I Were King of the Forest. Not Queen. Not Prince. Not Duke.

Usually when reading about Wolsey you only get, “he became ill and died the next day.” This week I was reading a biography of Jane Boleyn (Anne’s sister-in-law) and within that book, I found that Jane had heard of Wolsey’s arrest with the report “he passed above fifty stools in twenty-four hours, all of them wondrous black.” Black Friday, indeed. More like "scared shitless." (I made a calendar for 1530. He died on a Monday.) Wolsey was buried at Leicester Abbey where he had fallen ill; the abbey now nothing more than a trace of foundation in the grass. Archaeological teams have been digging at the Abbey recently, so maybe they’ll find old Thomas with other bits of shard.

Tudor Chamber Pots

**Employment Opportunity: Groom of the Stool ** Attention all ambitious workyers. Following the untimely death of Henry Norris, a new groom of the stool is required by Henry VIII. The primary duty is to “see the house of easement be sweet and clear.” In playnspeake: to clean the royal rear and privy. This coveted position is for someone looking for an opening, for whom no job is to too big or small. No one else will be so often alone with His Royal Highness. Although you will be dealing with Nymber Two, you will be with Nymber One in the privy chamber.

A Favorite Dysshe of the King

Putte you two slyces of ye beste whyte brede into hot coals. Flatten a bynanner in a fayre bowle until soft. Pound a goodly measure of choycest nuts into a fyne paste. Take up the bread from the hot coals before it can browne. Spread the nut paste thicke on one brede, and take the flattened bynanner and spread hem thicke on the second. Take 2 knobs of ye beste butter and spread welle on the outer partes of the bread. Hold brede over the hot coals, oon a longe stycke, until the outermost parte is a fulsome browne.

A Throne To Die For