Monday, April 27, 2009

Soo Ee Flu Ee
A Public Service Announcement

KOB of DC Blogs has asked me, WCH (Washington Cube Health…or WhatCha WannHa Know?) to step up and issue a PSA (Public Service Announcement or Phuck Service Announcements) about the Swine Flu since the WHO (World Health Organization…or the group,) have been doing nothing but alarming people this weekend.

• Stay away from anything to do with pigs. I’m not even going near my piggy bank where I drop off my change every night. Why risk it?

• This also means “no” to Aunt Annie’s Pretzel Dogs at the airport (I-66!).

• Reading anything with pigs in it like Animal Farm or Charlotte’s Web. Piglet in Winnie the Pooh? Diseased Swine! This includes poetry by Swinburne. Swin? Swine? Too close a call.

• Pig movies or TV shows like Babe or Sir Oinksalot in The Simpson’s. Miss Piggy (filthy slut) Arnold on Green Acres, however, is “safe.” I received that news from a solid source.

• No Meat Loaf (the food or the singer.) Both contain pork.

• No riding Harley Hogs during this epidemic.

• No tref, but yes to Hebrew National. Kosher.

• Do not use a spork.

• You will find free antibiotics in the candy aisles at drugstores. Look near the Good N’ Plenty and Jelly Belly section.

• Do not touch anything. Yourself or anyone else. You are meat.

• Do not eat pork. This goes without saying. And when the pork industry starts screaming “unfair,” remind them how people avoided chickens during the Avian Flu epidemic.

• D.C. Metro stations are installing Purell gel machines. Do not use these as a public masturbation aid.

• Wear a respiratory mask. Then cover it with a pig mask. You’ll either look like a Kubrick extra wandering around from Eyes Wide Shut, or people will know to keep their distance, either way.

• If someone says “pig” or “swine” you can yell “Holla” as in Pig’s Holla, Georgia where The Playaz are building the world’s largest still.

• Close down Congress which is pork-tacular. H.R. Soo Ee! Pig Pig Pig!

Close down Congressman Murtha’s dead airport built on pork. Cite public health reasons. There’s no one flying in there anyway.

• Congressman, Barbara Cubin, put in almost $200,000 for digitalizing and editing the collection at the Buffalo Bill Historical Center. And she's not even in office anymore. Cite “buffalo” as the next swine. Totonka Flu! When Buffalo Flu mutates with Avian Flu there will be an entirely new strain to worry about called Buffalo Wings Flu! You heard it here first.

• Tom Harkin’s request for $2 million for swine odor and manure management. Leave that alone. He’s a visionary.

• No Porkbelly’s. No Rockland’s. No Georgia Brown’s. No Famous Dave’s. No Willard’s. No Red, Hot and Blue. No Smokey Bones. No Urban and especially “no” to Three Pigs.

• No Jimmy Dean’s, even if his house burned down. No Smithfield’s and that means “no” Paula Deen as far as I’m concerned. You can’t be too safe. No bacon (Jordan Baker I mean YOU and "yes" those bacon jellybeans count!) and don’t argue with me on German Forest ham. “Nein!”

• New money. Issue all new money. Current issue could have swine germs on it. It could have been Madoff money!

• No to Nine Inch Nails "Piggy," or "March of the Pig," The Beatles "Piggy," Suicidal Tendencies
"Choking This Pig," Dave Matthews Band "Pig, " Sugar Ray "American Pig, " or Eminem Chokin’ This Pig." Pull them off yer iTunes. You could get SICK listening to this. The vaccine? Beck singing Ass-Hole, and I warned Suicide Blonde about Meatloaf, so what does she do...BLONDE...goes out tonight on a date, and he sings Meatloaf Karoke to her! You are gonna get SO sick. I am courier biking over massive amounts of drugs to you tomorrow with a vodka chaser.

• Personally, D.C., I don’t care. Go out to bars, shove your tongue down someone’s throat. Have your noses and lips drop off. Turn D.C. into Carville, Louisiana. Have people wandering with bells around their necks yelling out “unclean, unclean.”

• Lastly, do not watch Porky Pig cartoons and boycott anything Warner Brothers, Looney Tunes or Merrie Melodies. Do, however, to continue honoring Mel Blanc in your hearts.

• “That’s all folks!”

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Anonymous Drew said...

Why do I get the feeling you've been hitting the deviled ham? Step away from the crackers, Ms. Cube! You've certainly cracked me up!

11:55 AM  
Blogger [F]oxymoron said...

This should be the first thing you see when you go to the CDC's website!

11:57 AM  
Blogger JordanBaker said...

Stop spreading hysteria and lies!

"Can I get swine flu from eating pork?

'No. That's the good news.'"

12:04 PM  
Blogger Merujo said...

Now, of course, I want to drive down to Dixie Bones and have a porktacular feast. (But all I have is our crapeteria for lunch, dang it!)

12:05 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Drew: What IS deviled ham? Is there angel ham?

Foxy: They are still getting their data together. I already know what causes it. Filthy living. Plain and simple.

Jordan: I knew I'd get you going. I'm afraid your bacon rep is well known. Go to Jordan's blog and see her piece on bacon jelly beans today.

Mer: Never been to that one. Urban isn't bad out at Twinbrook Parkway off Rockville Pike.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Exactly, Jordan.

Bon has a brief case made of bacon - inside is the cure for Swine Flu - and the CDC is reluctant to open/eat it!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil: I thought The Playaz were on their top ten bio terrorists list.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Yes. But who can refuse bacon?

1:50 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

I never eat it, Phil. Dunno why.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Cyndy said...

Oh No! I had some pulled pork barbeque in South Carolina over the weekend. But I didn't inhale....does that count? Or am I doomed?

5:21 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Cyndy: You didn't inhale, so you are safe. Also Carolina barbeque's are vinegar based, so that will kill anything.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Velvet said...

Should I stop giving the dogs "Beggin Strips?" It's fake bacon. In fact, some guy apparently made a sandwich of the beggin strips to prove it wasn't real. Um. Gross.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Velvet: Heck no. Pets love their treats. Absolutely no withholding for the babies.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Are we at code orange yet? Maybe we need to give Homeland Security something to do since fear of terrorists has been replaced by fear of anything PIG!

10:18 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Code Pink...all over the evening news tonight about this stuff. Maybe we should all walk around with apples stuffed in our mouths.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Dmbosstone said...

Does the airborne nature of The Pig Flu mean that Sally will have sex with me?

11:21 PM  
Blogger kob said...

Cube, Thank You -- you have saved thousands.

But maybe not.

This was the word verification word generated by Google: pight


Google, obviously, has found a way to spread the flu via the interwebs.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Dmbosstone: Not only will she have sex with you, but anal. The tail curls up for a reason, yanno.

KOB: I give and give....and give.

P.S. am loving "pights." The "pights" of pigs.

Mud in every sty.
Corn in every trough.
Oinkers for Poinkers.

P.P.S. If you pull a pig's tail, they will chase you. Just thought I'd pass on that dating tip.

P.P.P.S. I would not advise screaming SOOOOO EEEEEE PIG PIG PIG at girls on 18th Street....well...maybe some might get into it. What did the French call it....Nostalgie de Boule...a nostalgia for the mud. You see when Marie Antoinette and her crowd went back to nature in their gauze gowns and sheep herding and wildflower pickin' they were criticized for reducing the layers and formality of court...which had many rules and reg....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

3:11 AM  
Blogger Ryane said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Totonka flu. That is hysterical. I wonder if this means that super models, who ostensibly ham it up for photos, are in dire danger?? ;-)

7:33 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Ryane: Combine Buffalo flu with Avian flu and you've got a whole new strain called Buffalo Wings Flu. Have you seen America's Next Top Model or ANTM? Those girls will be coughing up a lung, and they only have ONE since ONE was removed to improve their rib line.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...


You are a genius!

8:54 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Reya:'s just me :::pressing face to the screen::: Cubie.

9:03 AM  
Anonymous ma said...

And here's another reason why I love you, Cube. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

MA: My Haiku buddy. Only today we are discussing Ah-choo.

DC is alarmed
The pig is in the air now
I guess pigs can fly


10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Code Pink?

I think, therefore I am;
I'm pink,therefore I'm Spam.

No Spam, no scrapple (Sorry, Brideville, Delaware (

-- grince

10:37 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Code Pink covers so much, Grince...SO much. So terribly much. NOODGE.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

No pudding for ANY of you lot! None!

If y'all don't eat yer swine, y'all can't have no pudding. Not even fifty cents work, much less $240 worth.

Awww yeahhh...

12:41 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Hammer: Where the heck did you go? "YOU LOT?" The Hammer response is "Y'ALL." Who is this alien calling himself "Hammer?" I think it's the first infestation of the pods!

4:23 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I figured a moment of Anglo was warranted if I was going to make a Pink Floyd reference. It's obvious that somebody around here doesn't listen to enough classic rock.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Hammer: Not only didn't I get into Pink Floyd, I also side-stepped the Redskin Hogettes. I couldn't cover it all. I was in Whole Foods tonight for some produce, and I noticed NO ONE was buying blueberries and blackberries from Mexico. These berries? Why these berries are from.....down south. :)

2:19 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

Then you may have missed the layered joke, that is at most/all Pink Floyd concerts, a giant inflatable pig flies around the venue.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I linked this post to my son who had written semi-seriously about the flu. He added the link to your post for the truly uninformed. :)

You are always a bright light on any day!

Am off to NYC for Mother's Day weekend where there are 50+ confirmed cases of the flu. The friend meeting me said "I'll wear my mask, if you wear yours!"

Sure: all dressed up for the theater -- wonder if they make surgical masks in different colors or perhaps with sequins?


2:48 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Phil: Yes, I've seen the pig. What I meant was...there were so many other sources I could have cited....and didn't. What started as a blow-off joke piece turned into razorback pig from hell.

Kate: so glad you enjoyed it. I wish you had time to hot glue some sequins onto a mask. Lucky you to go see a play.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Y'all are spending way too much damn time worryin' about the swine flu and not enough paying attention to the real threat, BLACK DEATH!

11:21 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

I've written several times about Black Death. It's always on my mind. :x

11:46 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...


I just play it on my stereo, like, REAL LOUD.

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Twinkie said...

OMG I soooo wish I would have read this last week. hahahaah Too bad I was sooo busy trying to hide from anything swine related. hahahaa

6:16 PM  
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