Wednesday, April 12, 2006

What Would Jesus Chew?

I've been so bogged down with life and my current problems, I had lost track of the fact that Easter is this weekend. I remember checking the calendar back in February or March to note the date, but it wasn't until someone reminded me today, that I found out it was actually coming up this weekend. I had wanted to dye some eggs and hide them so the city rats could have an Easter egg hunt. Let's be realistic. Aren't they going to find them before the kiddies? And no PEEPS™! Washington Cube: Kickin' Wit Da Peeps.

One Easter while I still worked on the Hill (and Congress was out of session,) a co-worker and I dyed a lot of eggs. We spray painted about three of them gold, and if you found the gold egg, you would win a special prize: a chocolate bunny or egg, cd's...we had all sorts of prizes. Late one night, we stayed behind in the office and started hiding them. We did keep count, not wanting a nasty surprise days later from something that had been overlooked. It was a real morale booster for the staff, and it was funny to see these normally Alpha driven people running around the office, trying to be the one who found the most eggs. I remember one gold egg totally eluded everyone. I had hid it inside the toilet roll tube in the Congressman's private bathroom. Yes folks, your tax dollars at work. I know, I know, I know.

So here I am. It's Easter, and I am not prepared. Tonight, I went into a local drugstore, and I found the perfect gift for my jaded urban set:

"You'll die for this cross!"
(I love the faux wood grain effect. In milk and white chocolate!)

This got me to wondering if maybe it's time for the Vatican to have another overhaul, maybe rethink the communion wafer. "Take this and eat. This is my body... in six delicious flavors."

Are we expecting rain?


Anonymous DaveEEo said...

Cube, are those tortillas ? Easter tortillas... mmm mmm ... wait... I think I can see the agony stricken face of ... of ... nah, just pixellation...

11:47 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Yanno, Stare. In some cultures, they believe lightning strikes are the "Finger of God." :)

11:53 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

does that say "I died for you"?

I don't think I want to eat that. Or the bear.

7:41 AM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

WWJC? I learned from the Sacred Heart nuns that you were NEVER supposed to chew Jesus. The wafer was settled on your tongue and it was supposed to melt or break down there. The worst was when the wafer would get stuck to the roof of your mouth and there you were trying to get Jesus off the roof of your mouth with your tongue!

A running joke in parochial school was this: Jesus goes to a Holiday Inn and throws three nails on the counter asking the desk-clerk, "Can you put me up for three days?"

I suppose that means I'll be struck by that same bolt of lightning, Cube!

8:30 AM  
Anonymous AUA said...

HAHAHAHA!!! Eucharalicious!

9:02 AM  
Anonymous drew said...

Off-topic, but somehow it makes sense. I had a friend give me a pack of "Testamints" ( one time. That's one of the joys of being a preacher's son. Everyone thinks they're a comedian. Nyuk nyuk! Actually, it was kind of amusing. Heh

The concept of a raisin-wafer gives me the heebie-jeebies, though. Being that I freak out when I bite one of those fat-globules in my chicken wings, I can't imagine discovering a raisin in my "this is my flesh" to be less than paralyzingly horrific.

Has anyone ever gagged and spewed at communion? Inquiring minds.... You know how much white paint it might take to cover grape-juice stains on the walls? The mind boggles.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

I-66: Yes, it does say that. It didn't show up very well. P.S. You owe me a drink...go visit the Playaz site.

Thai: I was taught a LOT of things, not chewing being one of them. There was a time, you were also taught not to touch the Host, but Vatican II changed all that. You can still see older people who adhere to that rule...that is IF YOU STILL WENT TO MASS, THAI!!!! Le heh. I was also taught that if you have a stack of books, that the Bible is always placed on top.

AUA: Blackbeard, himself. Aargh. A man who thinks Holy Water is rum.

Drew: No, to the spew question, and I didn't know that about you and raisins. Does this pertain to all dried fruits?

10:43 AM  
Blogger cuff said...

Oh my oh my. You'll die for this cross. Hilarious. Cube I'm glad you're back.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous drew said...

No to the dried, shrivled fruits... and let's leave Elton John out of this.

I am quite a fan of raisins. I just gag on chicken-grisle. I hardly eat any poultry that isn't premasticated and reassembled back into the general shape of whatever they are pretending to be. Anyway... back to your question... it's the UNEXPECTED nature of the raisins. However, if the chocolate chips were dark chocolate, they might really compliment well with a hearty red communion wine!

["Sideways" 2004]
Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.
Miles Raymond: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fu@king Merlot!

11:11 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

And on the Third Day, his cholesterol rose again....

11:37 AM  
Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

Cube? I allowed my membership to expire in that club years ago. We can thank the Jesuits for that. They taught us young strapling boys how to think for ourselves, and how to make our own decisions regarding beliefs (a little TOO well, I suppose).

There are those that were taught by the Jesuits such as Patrick Buchanon, John MacLaughlin who 'lean' towards "starboard."

I follow the principles of people such as the Berrigan Brothers who listed towards "port."

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa, Thai. Port and Jesuits and young boys? Sounds like a dangerous combination to me.


1:05 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Happy Easter! I hope your health issues improve.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Momentary Academic said...

So good to be reading you again. I hope that the chocolate of god heals you!

1:15 PM  
Blogger The Lily said...

re: wafer issue- I can just hear them in the vatican now:

"WHAT? Was allowing them to have mass in their own dialects NOT ENOUGH?? They want to ENJOY the flesh of the son?? Fingers of God all around!"

1:16 PM  
Blogger Megarita said...

CUBE!!! How we missed you! And you're back and in excellent form. Although tempting higher powers to smite you...hmmmm...

1:32 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Cubie Cuberson, I would buy you a drink - I-66 points or not.

Sadly enough, I doubt you'll be appearing anywhere to collect.

1:54 PM  
Blogger sparkles anonymous! said...

Pirates have no use for the body of christ.

2:06 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Mmmm... delicious chocolate crosses... blasphemy never tasted so good!

2:48 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Cuff: Thank you. I've missed blogging, but been dealing with health issues. No fun. A little irreverance from the little Catholic girl can't hurt, right?

Phil: ...and I thought I was a rotter. You are the BEST!

Thai: You've forgotten. I was Jesuit educated, as well. I'm not even going to make jokes about them, I admire that Order so much.

Grince: Spoken like a true Catholic. We need to go polish our saddle shoes.

Barbara and Momentary: Several of the bloggers told me I should be writing about what I've been going through with all of the doctors and medical procedures. Trust me. It does not make amusing or pleasant reading. I'm not out of their clutches, yet. I've got a major test coming up this Friday and more on the way. Cubie is not a happy camper. She wants to be outside and playing with the other children.

Claire: I've surprised I'm not scorched, I've been such a little smartass over time. God must know I have a pure heart... *KAWF*.

Meg: I've missed all of you too...tremendously. I was telling a friend, while I was posting this entry, just how odd it felt, and awkward to even be blogging again. I've missed it. Wish I had better news to be blogging about. :(

I-66: I know you would (buy me a drink.) I had to think a bit on that Kool and the Gang answer, until I remembered they had an early phase of being into that synth fusion funk thang before changing style. Asian Mistress was right, though. It should have been a porn clip. Reference: See Playaz.

Miss Sparkles: Pirates have use for bodies, however...and booties. ;) Remember that the next time Captain Blackbeard is pillaging you. :x

Miss Mystery: HA! I know. Luckily my friends have wicked senses of humor, so they will love it.

3:30 PM  
Blogger playfulinnc said...

In Cube's case, it's:
I dyed for you.

Woka woka...Happy Easter!

3:59 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

i really think you should re-post the Peeps entry on easter for those who want to laugh at all it's splendor.

well as long as we are talking about delicious sacraments, how about a chocolate croissant communion? light, flaky, croissant paired with the wine. it's like the "french (catholic) women don't get fat" concept.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Cube - I am merely banking on the fact that God has a sense of humor. I am down with JC all the way.

If I'm wrong, I'm going to blame you.

4:56 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

It's Easter already? I'm a heathen...


5:24 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

Welcome back! :-)

I love the Easter Egg hunt idea. I may have to steal it for my office someday. But I'm not together enough to do it in the next few days. Would it be weird to do an Easter Egg office hunt in like July? Unexpected, sure; fun, check; but weird?

I love peeps! I gotta get some before they're gone!

7:47 PM  
Blogger playfulinnc said...

Oh, and thanks for the links to the peeps. Must have missed that the first go around.

Eat 'em head first!

7:53 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Play: Welcome HOME to D.C. I get the feeling you aren't going to linger, but you know you have an entire crew of people who adore you that are here.

Miss VP: I love how you think. ;)

Phil: He has to have a sense of humor. I choose to believe that, anyway.

Miss Cookie: You and me both. I am SO incredibly out of things right now.

Stef: Do what I've done. Buy up some Peeps and photograph them doing weird things. Simple minded? Yes. But infinite fun. Some friends of mine even took Peeps to a bar and had them swilling martinis...captured on camera, of course. You could even have one floating in a cocktail glass.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

You're back!

The communion wafers could definately use some chocolate.

Actaully, I have never had a communion wafer. (I know, I know... I'm going to hell.) But everything could use a little chocolate.

And now for a complaint: Easter is a holiday created to make us feel nauseated when trying on swimming suits the next week.

12:36 AM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

I like Teddy! It's so cute. Happy Easter, Cube.

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Wrethcat said...

Oh joy! Every year my mother grinds the fact that the year I was born (On a Good Friday) and they actually kept women in the hospital to make sure they were ok, she had to spend Eater in the hospital.

This year I am expecting it to get really dramatic since my birthday just happens to actually fall on Easter Sunday. I will skewer anyone who buys me jelly bean for my birthday. I do , however want that adorable singing Hallmark bunny with the baby chick in the egg that sings along :-)- I think it's covered.

I love caramel filled Cadbury eggs and honey baked hams around Easter!
Miss Cubie, go easy on the chocolates, we don't want any achey tummies for our favorite girl :-) Feel Better.

>^, ,^<

9:46 AM  
Blogger Merujo said...

You have just made this lapsed cafeteria Catholic laugh - you know it's a great post when the comments make you laugh, too!

I chew-chew-choose you, Jesus! (Yeah, I'm on the express train to Hell. And I'm meeting a friend here at lunchtime to go look at the Gospel of Judas in the other building here at work...)

So very good to see you out here, Cubette!

10:51 AM  
Blogger The Lily said...

They're called redeeming qualities, Cubie... a cosmic game in which we overpower the occasional "Do Not Pass Go, but Straight to Hell In a Ratty Handbasket" with the constant contributing to society.

Right? Right.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Jesus chewed a matzoh, I believe. After all, the Last Supper was indeed a seder. This may explain why the communion wafers are so dry. They are really a matzoh derivative. I too gagged on them as a child, while trying to swallow them rather than chew them, which was verboten. I can only eat matzoh with butter or choke on the dryness. And I left Catholicism before wine and wafer became communion, a much more palatable combination.


1:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh that was funny! Glad you are back with your fabulous wit!
It's just another Sunday for me. But I do enjoy seeing little kids all dressed up and running around trying to find easter eggs. Very cute.

7:29 PM  
Blogger The Absurdist said...

I have a coworker who tells a story about her sister biting the priests finger while he was placing the wafer in her mouth.

I'm protestant. We just use pieces of bread for communion. My church lately has been using pita bread. I suppose for a sense of authenticity. I think Kate's point about matzoh being the what Jesus broke at the Last Supper is interesting.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Finding Neutral said...

Cube, when I was an altar boy serving 6:30 am weekday mass, it was about all I could handle when the priest would serve communion and I would have to look into the mouths and down the throats of all these old ladies at that hour. On the host-sticking issue mentioned by Thai, I remember a lot of times going out there and looking through a pool of puke to see if that wafer got hurled up by somebody with a too sensitive gag reflex. Being an altar boy wasn't all fun all the time.

2:37 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

"Take this and eat. This is my body... in six delicious flavors."

I think I love you after that line. Welcome back. Hilarious.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Dennis! said...

BTW, if a communion wafer is meant to symbolize "the body of Christ," I hestitate to ask what the choc chips or raisins therein would be....

5:27 PM  

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